6. The Subsequent Interviews with Either Client

In subsequent interviews with either client some deeper prob­lems may be expressed, which for various reasons were not brought up earlier. The counselor needs always to have this possibility in mind and to keep an open mind for them. He may also help if he is sensitive to any rather cautious tenta­tive approaches to such deeper matters, and able to respond in such a way as to encourage their full unburdening. One kind of tentative approach may be through an apparently gen­eral question, and if the counselor is induced to give a straight answer to it he might unwittingly "close the bidding" and discourage the client from going on. A constant unexpressed question at the back of the counselor's mind, "I wonder why she is asking that question" may help him to respond to the implied feeling, and "keep the bidding open."

For example in the interviews with Betty she changed the subject at one point by asking, apropos of nothing in particular, "Do you think husbands and wives ought to try always to please each other?" If the counselor gave the obvious answer, "Of course they should," with or without a pleasant little homily, it would probably close that part of the discussion and Betty would switch off on to another subject, or make some inconsequential observation. But supposing the counselor has his wits about him to the extent that he realizes that Betty would al­ready know the answer to such a straight question, and must therefore have some interesting reason for asking it. Then he might respond in some such manner as, "You sometimes find it difficult to please Frank?" This would give Betty the chance to go into more detail, "Yes, I'm afraid I do in some ways," and this might well lead on to a full discussion of the sexual relationship and the despair Betty is feeling about meeting Frank's needs when he is not seeing any need to win her, but rather takes her compliance in sex intercourse for granted. It is obviously essential that this deeper area of their conflict needs to be explored, if possible with each of them, if a last­ing solution to their conflicts is to be achieved.

We have seen that while the "unburdening" of either part­ner is proceeding the counselor is encouraging the progressive expression of feelings by responding to their expressed feelings rather than to the facts related in the narratives. But he is not discarding the facts, he is keeping them at the back of his mind for a very important purpose. He assesses the facts mainly in terms of what meaning they have for the client, how the client feels about them, and he more or less instinctively relates such reactions to what might be regarded as reasonable. As the story goes on he will begin to perceive a kind of pat­tern of reaction, through which he can gain increasing informa­tion about the personality of the client. This information may be considered from certain particular points of view for each client.

 1. the client's "role perceptions" and "role expectations" in marriage

Betty, for example may have expressed some feelings which suggest that she sees her "wifely" role as that of a domestic dictator, strictly administering the whole of the domestic organization with rigid efficiency, as Mary did in the first case described in this book. She may also have conveyed her "role expectatons" regarding husbands, that Frank should be a very efficient and enthusiastic "handyman," in which view she pestered him continually to do what he had never had any talent or enthusiasm for doing and preferred to pay a trades­man to do. Frank, on the other hand, may have expressed feel­ings which suggest that he sees the husband's role in marriage as in a very real sense "the head of the house" who must never descend to any kind of "domestic activity," such as drying the dishes or helping with looking after the children.

If the counselor is on the lookout for the nature of these role perceptions and expectations, then, when the main un­burdening of feeling has been completed, he may help the clients to clarify their attitudes by such a questioning com­ment as (to Betty), "You feel that Frank ought to fit in com­pletely with what you decide in running the home?" or "You look on the minor repairs as Frank's job?" With Frank, a possible comment may be something like, "You feel the hus­band should have no responsibility for helping in the domestic duties?" Frank and Betty are then able to respond either affirmatively, "Yes, that's how I feel about it," or to correct the counselor's comment, "Well, not quite to that extent, but I do think—."

In this way the role perceptions and expectations of each partner are brought to light and made quite definite, and the "role frustrations" also become clear. Later when there is a joint interview, it may be possible to put the feelings of each of them about roles in marriage alongside one another for comparison in a manner which would previously have been impossible for them to have managed on their own owing to the "intrusion" of intense emotional reactions. This clarification of role perceptions may enable them to come to some measure of mutual compromise at this level, which may be satisfactory to them when their troubles are not very deep or involved. Frank may feel "If that's all that's holding us up I could easily give Betty a bit more help in the domestic jobs." And Betty might say, "If Frank feels the organization so much I think I could relax a bit in the interests of peace and harmony."

The chief risk of such an agreement is that it may leave some very powerful underground influences untouched, and these may well be stirred up by some unintentional "hurt" or "neglect," and the subsequent disillusionment, after the high hopes, may bring sufficient despair to break up the partnership. In some cases there is what is often called a "honeymoon re­action," "a sense of enormous relief and an uprush of loving feelings" ("Social Casework in Marital Problems," Tavistock Publications, Ltd., London, 1955, pp 62, 63). This may provide a most useful period of relief from bitter conflict and enable some mutual confidence to be restored, but it may also be used by one or both clients to evade the difficult and possibly painful process of exploring deeper sources of conflict. It is important for the counselor to be aware of this, and to attempt to keep sufficient contact and rapport with the partners, so that they, or a least one of them, may feel able to carry on with the counseling.

In many cases, however these conflicting role perceptions and expectations will not be reconcilable in this way, because they depend on deeper and largely hidden or "unconscious" attitudes, which are so much imbedded into the structure of the clients' personalities that they are accepted uncritically as "reasonable." These hidden factors can generally become re­vealed through the reactions of each client to the many kinds of interaction described in the interviews if the counselor can make suitable and acceptable "clarifying questioning com­ments," and this further clarification will generally constitute the next stage in the counseling process.

2. THE CLIENT'S HABITUAL ATTITUDES AND RESPONSES

We have referred to the fact that as the client's narrative proceeds, helped by the counselor's accepting and questioning comments, the counselor will gradually perceive a kind of pat­tern as it is progressively revealed to him. He regards it as tentative, and continually open for correction or modification as he feels further into the client's attitudes.

A fairly obvious part of this pattern, somewhat wider in scope than the specific role perceptions and expectations in the marital relationship is made up of the client's habitual atti­tudes and responses. As these are revealed during the interviews the counselor can help the client to clearer awareness of them by "reflecting" them back to him in a manner and tone of voice which show acceptance of them and a desire to under­stand the client's feelings more fully.

For example, with the interviewing of Betty and Frank al­ready discussed to some extent, Betty might have made several statements which could be summed up in the expression, "If he really loved me he wouldn't mind doing things in the home the way I want them done, would he?" This looks like a habitual attitude which invests "love" with a rather possessive demanding quality inconsistent with the democratic principle of "autonomy" and respect for other people's freedom—even one's marital partner's freedom. How is the counselor to deal with this comment of Betty's, remembering that she is prob­ably unable at the moment to see her habitual attitudes objec­tively?

If he faced her directly, even if not bluntly, with the state­ment, "But you can't use love to make people do what you want them to do!" it would probably put Betty's back up and make it even more difficult for her to see her attitude objec­tively. A type of comment which might be more illuminating to her is, "You feel that those who love you should do what you want them to do?" If she says "yes," it would be unwise for the counselor to turn the situation back and ask, "Would you then do that for someone you loved?" for two reasons. First because that is not the criterion of human behavior; we don't do things because someone else would do the same for us but because we think it right to do them. And second be­cause Betty might well say "Yes I would!" and leave the coun­selor in a "dead end." A better kind of comment might be, "But it seems that others may not think of love in quite the same way, can you allow for that?" This will give her some­thing to go on pondering over if she doesn't gain insight at that time.

This clarifying process demands considerable patience and tact, and a high standard of empathy, but the general attitude and method of handling is more likely than any other to help the client to growing insight into any destructive habitual attitudes and responses. But there are deeper factors still which may need to come to light if those habitual attitudes are to be overcome. As suggested in the last example there are un­critically accepted assumptions about life, about people, and about the client's own self which have had a lot to do with the formation of the habitual attitudes, and unless these are realized and corrected it may be difficult to change the habitual atti­tudes.

Linked up with any uncritical assumptions and often domi­nating them are the person's emotional needs, and his ways of seeking fulfillment of them. For example a client may show indications of a deep need for everyone to agree with him in everything, or for everyone to "understand" him. This consti­tutes the next stage of clarification.

3. THE CLIENT'S UNCRITICAL ASSUMPTIONS, EMOTIONAL NEEDS, AND WAYS OF SEEKING THEIR FULFILMENT

Although this has been described as distinct from habitual attitudes for purposes of discussion, in actual practice these characteristics of the client will probably be clarified as they emerge without any real distinction. But a person's emo­tional needs are often deeply imbedded in his personality, well below the level of his awareness, and they may need more patience and skill from the counselor if they are to be helped into awareness. The counselor's own recognized emotional needs may also have a significant influence, often a destructive one, on the counseling process, and it is therefore necessary to give some special consideration to this set of factors in the client's attitudes and conduct.

For example in further interviews with Frank it may appear that he feels quite strongly that he should have no responsi­bility for any kind of "domestic" responsibility, and as the counselor discusses this attitude further with him he may show some indications of a deep emotional need for "mother­ing," and the counselor may help to clarify this by some such comment as, "You've felt a bit disillusioned lately at Betty's neglect of your comfort?" Then the interview might proceed as follows:

f. Yes, she used to be quite different when we were first married, she used to anticipate most of my needs, but now I come nowhere, I just earn the money.

c. And you don't feel so happy about it?

f. Well, I had hoped for a bit more thoughtfulness, even though I know she has a lot more on her plate than she had in the early days. I come home tired after a trying day at the office, and I just want to relax and be myself and be fussed over a bit. But I'm fussed over the wrong way, I'm expected to turn to and mend the cupboard door, and keep the kids occupied while Betty gets the table laid.

c. You have the feeling that you're entitled to a bit more consideration after all the hard work you've done at the office. It would help if Betty just let you sit down and relax, and if she brought you something to drink before dinner?

f. Yes, that's exactly what I mean; she used to do that when we were first married, just as my mother used to do it before that. She says now she just hasn't got time with the kids having to be fixed up for bed and with everything else, but I can't see why I should be the one to be left out. As I said, I come nowhere, I just earn the money!

It appears that Frank has little if any insight as yet into his need for continued "mothering," and the counselor might fail to bring him to a more objective view by a direct approach in such a situation. He will probably do better by taking the cue from Frank and going still further back to Frank's rela­tionships in his earlier life, particularly with his mother and father. As before this next "stage" in the clarification is only distinguished from the earlier ones for the purposes of dis­cussion, and in actual practice there need generally be no definite line of cleavage, especially when the client's remarks provide any good opening for deeper exploration. So in this case the interview would move straight on to an exploration of possible reasons for Frank's emotional need for "mothering," so that he might have the opportunity of gaining insight into the situation.

4. THE CLIENT'S BACKGROUND PERSONAL "CONDITIONING"

It is generally agreed that one of the most influential of all factors in the deeper attitudes and feelings of people is the kind of "conditioning" they received in their childhood, particularly in the earliest years of their home and family life. Most of any person's emotional needs have their origin in these early ex­periences and relationships, and the earlier the needs and assumptions are laid down the more "unconscious" they are likely to be. So almost all marriage counseling for any but the most superficial disorders will need to include some considera­tion of the early background of each client. As we have seen in the case of John and Mary at the beginning of this book it may be helpful to hear each client's feelings and ideas about the in-laws as well as their own parents, and in this way the counselor may obtain a kind of "two dimensional view" of the early background of both clients, so that he can then help each client to relate present attitudes to early background.

The last part of the interview with Frank might be con­tinued in some such manner as this:

c. Your mother used to be pretty good at anticipating all your needs?

f. Yes, I suppose I was the only pebble on the beach, you see Dad died when I was about 10, and he fortunately left her well enough off, and she didn't have to go out to work. She looked after me like a prince, I didn't have any real duties at home, and I suppose it wasn't very good for me really. We had a married couple who looked after the whole place and they were there until a few years ago.

c. And then, when you married, Betty took over looking after you in the way your mother had done?

f. That's one of the things that attracted me to her, she was always so thoughtful, and she anticipated every need of her parents, her mother refused to stand in the way of Betty's marriage although she was going through a difficult time emotionally then. But she puts her oar in far too much now, and Betty takes too much notice of her. The result of all this is that I've got to look after myself most of the time, and I don't think it's good enough.

c. Could it be that you feel the need for a kind of "mother­ing" from your wife?

f. Well, I suppose it could, but why not? Shouldn't a wife who loves her husband try to meet his needs to some extent?

c. And his demands too?

f. I didn't think there was much difference between my needs and my demands.

c. Then you need the "fussing over" as well as demand it?

f. Well, I suppose I can get on without it—I've been getting on without it lately at any rate. Yes, I think I'm beginning to see your point, that I've felt the lack of it mostly because I had so much of it from Mom. Per­haps Betty shouldn't have fussed over me so much at the beginning of our marriage, and I might have come to earth sooner. Actually you know we've each been doing a lot of demanding on one another, and I think I can see now that we've each dug our heels in hard against them. In my case I've felt I had to protect what was left of my individuality that way, and I suppose Betty dug her heels in for the same reason.

c. If, as you feel, each of you has been digging your heels in mainly to resist possible demands, would the best answer be in the direction of cutting our demands on one another?

f. I suppose it would if we could do it, but does that mean that we would just have to put up with all kinds of inconveniences in silence?

c. What would you think about that? What would a good partner do in such circumstances?

F. I suppose he would tell the other one how he feels and appeal for cooperation. But then I've often appealed to Betty, and she just says she can't do it, and then I get sore. So how can that do much good?

c. If you get sore when she says she can't do it, can you really call it an appeal, or is it really a demand well dis­guised as an appeal, a wolf in sheep's clothing?

f. I hadn't thought of it quite like that—but I think I'm beginning to see what you mean. If you're not willing to accept "no" for an answer it's really a demand, no matter how like an appeal it may sound. Is that what you're getting at?

c. Well yes, that's what I had in mind, you've got hold of the real difference between an appeal and a demand.

It is obvious here that the exploration of Frank's back­ground personal "conditioning" has brought him to the achievement of some insight into his proneness for dic­tatorial demands, and the discussion has in this case moved on by its own momentum to further clarification about the difference between appeals, which are helpful in a partnership, and demands, which may be destructive. This approach, through insight into why he wants to make de­mands, will be more likely to help Frank to stop doing so than any superficial lecture on the futility of demands in a democratic marriage. It may be that the same kind of opportunity may come to help Betty to gain insight into her demanding attitudes and to make some changes in them.

This discussion with either Frank or Betty may lead on to some consideration of helpful attitudes in the face of persisting demands from the other partner. In Frank's case the discussion might possibly go on in some such manner as this:

f. But that's all very well, suppose I stop demanding and become an appealing husband, what do I do when Betty makes demands on me? Wouldn't that make it a rather one sided affair?

c. In questions of this kind do you think the best approach would be to start with some of the facts of life as we know them, and work from there?

f. I'm not quite sure how that applies, the demands are certainly "facts of life," but how can we work from there?

c. Would you agree that one of the facts of life which applies to this is that Betty has, in common with all of us, what we might call the right of free speech; that if she wants to demand the world she is at liberty to do so—and you are equally at liberty to decline to comply with it?

f. But that's pretty much what I've done, isn't it?

c. Have you accepted her right to demand anything, or have you got sore about it and made her feel her right to free speech threatened?

f. Ah! Now I'm beginning to see the point; if I can accept other people's right to demand, and quietly exercise my own right to disappoint them, then we can agree to differ without any great trouble. That seems to have possibilities. I shall have to try it out a bit more with Betty and see how it goes.

Notice how the counselor tries to handle the interview in such a way that the client gradually works out the helpful insights himself, helped at times by "creative questions." This is much better as a rule than any attempt to offer the information to him in the form of dogmatic statements, because he is more likely to accept the ideas he works out himself and still more to remember them. He is also more able to work out future decisions on a basis of the facts of life because of this experience of doing so.

5.   THE PERSONALITY TYPES OF THE CLIENTS

During the interviews with each client the counselor will be gradually gaining some perception of the type of personality shown by them. This has considerable bearing on many of their reactions to one another, and also on the essential process of building a more harmonious relationship, and as the con-selor comes to realize something of this inner personality type he becomes better able to act as a mediator between them.

The counselor may come to see how rigid or flexible either personality may be, and he may make some assessment in his own mind of whether either personality is of the introvert or extrovert type, the suspicious "schizoid," the over-dramatic "hysteric" type, or the very particular "obsessional" type. He may see evidences of any of the neurotic, psychotic or psy­chopathic reaction types in one or both clients. It is not his business as a marriage counselor to make any very accurate assessment of these psychic patterns, that is a task that is often difficult enough for a psychiatrist, and much more appro­priate for him to attempt than for the counselor.

The counselor, however, needs to have some awareness of the indications of these manifestations so that he can avoid persisting with a problem which needs expert professional help, and make a sensible and appropriate referral as early as possible. Such referral does not demand any accurate assess­ment by the counselor, but rather the belief that there are sufficient indications of such deeper elements to warrant psychiatric consultation. It is then for the psychiatrist to assess the conditions and if necessary and acceptable to arrange for the appropriate treatment.

Another important service which the counselor may be able to offer in many cases of marital disorder arising from gross incompatibility of personality type is in the helping a less deeply disturbed partner to cope with the more deeply dis­turbed one, whether or not under psychotherapy. Some of the indications by which the neurotic, psychotic and psycho­pathic personalities can be recognized have already been dis­cussed in the section dealing with contributive factors in marital disorder, and some of the ways of helping a bewildered part­ner to cope with difficult situations will be dealt with in a later section.

It may be emphasized that any "diagnosis" arrived at by the counselor is not stated to either client, that is not the counselor's function. It is kept in his mind as a tentative assessment, continually open to further testing, and used to help in the counselor's handling of the situation in his subse­quent interviews with either of the partners or with both of them together.

For example, if one partner consistently dramatized every­thing and the other one shows perplexity at the apparent irra­tionality of such attitudes and responses, the counselor might help in the clarification by some such remark as, "You notice that she seems to exaggerate everything and to make far more of things than you would think appropriate. Could it be that she is somehow built that way, that that's her nature?" When the client comes to some acceptance of that possibility the counselor might then put it to him that if she is built that way he might accept her as she is and not take her dramatiza­tions quite so literally. There may well be some opportunity to go into the husband's tendency to take such things so literally, and to open up for him some insight into his possibly obsessional personality, which may have been initially attracted by his wife's dramatizations.

A more difficult problem is that of delusional manifesta­tions, for example when a husband is deeply troubled about his wife's completely unwarranted accusations of infidelity. Here again it is not for the counselor to make diagnoses to either of them, but rather to help each to deal with the problem from his own or her own standpoint. In the early interview with the wife, for example, he might say, "You feel sure your husband is being unfaithful, even though he denies it and you only have indirect evidence for it?" and when the counselor feels that there may be a delusional element in this he might set out to try to induce the client to have some specialist advice.

With the bewildered husband in such a case the counselor might say something like this, "You find that all your em­phatic and repeated assurances of your innocence are utterly useless. Would it be worth trying to allow your wife to think and say anything she likes about you to you, and to let your life and your attitudes speak for themselves?" The counselor might add the suggestion that the most helpful attitude to his suspecting wife is that of acceptance of her feelings, how­ever irrational they may seem, in the assumption that she can't help having them. This "agreeing to differ" without hostility on his part may at least preserve some stability in an impossible situation while further help is being sought. This can be done without "labeling" anyone.

To summarize what has been considered so far in the inter­views, we began with the establishment of rapport through the encouragement of unburdening on the part of the client and response to the expressed feelings rather than to the facts in the narrative on the part of the counselor. When the feelings have been as fully poured out as the client is disposed to do, the counselor sets out to discern, and to clarify with the client, such underlying influences as role perceptions and expectations in marriage, habitual attitudes and responses, un­critical assumptions, emotional needs, and ways of seeking their fulfilment, background personal "conditioning," and personality type. This may go on with each client separately, often over the same period, but at certain points, and under certain conditions, it may be most helpful, with the consent of both partners, to have one or more interviews with the two of them together. This will be discussed later, remembering that it may happen at any earlier stage of the interviewing.

6. further clarification in the "relationship" area

As the interviews proceed, either with the partners separ­ately or together, certain specific questions will inevitably come up and need further clarification, and the first group of these to be dealt with are those in the inter-personal or "relationship" area. The most important aspects of the marital relationship which may come under discussion are the sexual, the personal, the parental and the social relationships, and they will be discussed in that order, after which some attention will be given to the question of what goal is being aimed at.

a. The sexual relationship is a very common area of marital conflict, as we have already seen in the discussion of contri­butory factors in marital disorders. In many cases the sexual difficulty is not immediately disclosed, but is hidden behind a "fac,ade" of personal touchiness and "unreasonableness" on the part of the wife, or apparent indifference or infidelity on the part of the husband. As the rapport becomes better the sexual frustrations or conflicts are often expressed, or the counselor may be provided with an appropriate opening for a question about either partner's feelings about the sexual relationship. As already suggested in discussion of contributory factors it is generally impossible to consider the sexual relationship apart from the personal relationship or from the inner personality structure and "conditioning" of the partners.

Whatever the counselor's ideas may be about the meaning and significance of sexual intercourse between human beings, it is necessary for him to listen to the feelings and attitudes of the partners about this important part of their relationship. The aim of counseling is to help them to a mutually satisfying total relationship, rather than to "educate" them "up" to any concept of it, no matter how good, that the counselor may have. For example, if the husband is constantly demanding, much will depend on whether the wife can willingly accept his demands, and if she is happy to do so there seems no justification for the counselor to suggest any other attitude unless asked to do so.

In most cases in which this subject comes up for serious discussion in counseling, however, there is enough painful con­flict for a definite review of attitudes to be necessary, and this can only be done on a basis of some workable concept of the meaning and significance of sexual union. Many people have the vaguest ideas of this at the time of marriage and with the normal differences between male and female attitudes to sex they find themselves increasingly at cross purposes after marriage.

If we accept the democratic concept of the dignity of human personality and the autonomy and freedom that go with it, then it seems clear that sexual intercourse cannot prop­erly be the subject of demand on the one hand, but that it is implicit in the marital undertaking that each partner makes a genuine effort to meet the reasonable needs of the other sex­ually and in all other respects. But this attempt is surely a matter for the individual conscience of each and not for decision by the other partner. In a sense it is more an obligation to the marital partnership than to the other partner, and the marriage will better be promoted and sustained when each makes a genuine effort, with any help that may be found ad­visable, to live up to the obligation.

Having made these observations it is perhaps necessary to go a little deeper, and to examine some of the inner feelings associated with sexual intercourse in many men and women. The feelings of men are more direct and even demanding than those of most women. Sex, to men, is often felt as a strong "appetite" which seeks gratification and "conquest." Women have a sexual "appetite" that is less direct, and which generally needs to be "awakened," especially at the beginning. Sexual intercourse to a woman involves considerable self-giving, the urge to which needs to be "won" by love rather than de­manded by coercion or taken for granted.

Many men fail to understand that their demands for sex intercourse without setting out to win the self-giving coopera­tion of their wives constitute a recurring affront to their wives' personalities, and that there are limits to the acceptance of such affronts to human dignity. Many wives in counseling make the rather sad observation, "The only time he's ever at all affectionate to me is when he wants sex." The use of any other person as a means to an end (in this case the gratification of an appetite) would seem to be a denial of the very ideas of human dignity and value for which mankind has been fight­ing over the centuries, and to which we so easily give "lip service."

This kind of approach on the part of husbands may best be exposed for attention in counseling by "creative questioning" at the appropriate time. For example when it is brought out that a husband is regarding sex intercourse as a matter of demand, irrespective of his wife's feelings about it, the coun­selor might put the question, "Then you feel that your wife should be ready to meet your needs at any time you want her to, regardless of her feelings about it?" In this way, the differ­ing role perceptions can be brought out, and either reconciled by the partners or counseled more deeply by the counselor to elucidate the underlying elements in such attitudes, the habitual attitudes and responses, the uncritical assumptions, emotional needs, and the background "conditioning." This may demand great patience and tact on the part of the counselor, because he is dealing with very deep and highly charged emotions and attitudes which do not lend themselves easily to change.

On the other side the wife who consistently rejects her husband's appeals, or accepts them with hostile compliance may need help in finding out the deeper causative factors in her attitudes. Some of this feeling may arise from inept or crude methods of wooing on the part of the husband, but in many cases there are much deeper factors involved, which may well be related with the early "conditioning," such as an unconscious hatred of men as a result of early experience with a coarse, drunken, cruelly demanding father, or with a tense repressed hostile mother.

When it appears that such conflicting attitudes between the partners extend as deeply as this and do not seem to respond to the general counseling approach it may be advisable for the counselor to consider referral of the partners for deeper psychotherapy, leaving it to the psychiatrist to decide how much therapy he should offer each of them.

While the counseling or psychotherapy is progressing and in cases where it appears that no further counseling or psycho­therapy is justified or desired, some help can still be given through examination of the underlying aims of the partners in this area of their lives. Are they, for example, looking for perfect sexual union, something which seems to be beyond the reach of the majority of married couples? Do they on the other hand regard inefficiency in the performance of sexual intercourse as a reflection on their masculinity or femininity? To help the partners to "come to earth" and learn to accept, at least for the time, the best that can be obtained, even if it is not at all comparable with what they had hoped for and expected, may bring about enough release of tension to open the door to a steady improvement in the sexual relationship. This is often found in the case of recently married young people, and if they can even accept the pleasure of being to­gether when the successful conduct of sexual intercourse is beyond their power, the situation may be kept from deterio­rating while the necessary counseling and the time for ad­justment can be obtained.

As we have seen the sexual and the personal relationships in marriage are closely inter-related. Disturbance of either will inevitably have some upsetting effect on the other. But the personal relationship is generally easier to control than the sexual, and even temporary personal acceptance of sexual diffi­culties which seem unable to be controlled or overcome by "will power" will make for a more appropriate "atmosphere" for the sexual relationship to develop into greater harmony.

One example of a controllable sexual relationship which can improve the personal relationship in marriage is in the atti­tude of the partners to sexual intercourse after a personal quarrel. Here is a situation in which the general attitude of men differs markedly from that of women. A man will often think of sexual intercourse as a gesture of reconciliation after a quar­rel, but if he seeks to have it in this way his wife will almost certainly regard this as a deep affront to her personality. She will probably be glad to accept it after the personal reconcili­ation has been achieved, as an expression of their regained unity and not as a means to its achievement. If husbands can be helped to understand this they may save a great deal of misunderstanding and further conflict. Otherwise the husband will seek intercourse in good faith, and then when his wife objects, also in good faith, he will quite wrongly accuse her of ob­stinacy, and that will increase her resentment and the quarrel will deepen. Sexual intercourse is not appropriately regarded as a means of reconciliation, and its use for that purpose is often merely a way of escaping an honest personal apology.

Another disturbance of the sexual relationship which is quite controllable is what is termed "coitus interruptus," the sudden drawing away of the husband before the emission of semen in an attempt to avoid the risk of impregnating his wife. This may not be related spontaneously in the counseling, at least during the earlier interviews, and it may be necessary for the counselor to ask at some appropriate point how the partners feel about family planning and what they are doing about it. This practice "coitus interruptus" is universally regarded as unwarranted and harmful to the nervous systems of both part­ners, and the emotional strain associated with it often shows itself in symptoms not necessarily related to the practice. It is often carried out because of ignorance, or because of diffi­dence about seeking proper help in family planning, and when it is revealed in counseling it is important for the counselor to suggest that the partners obtain some reliable help in family planning from a suitable clinic or from their doctor. Such a referral may lead to great improvement in the whole marital relationship.

Similar medical referral may be advisable in a number of other disturbances of the sexual relationship. The complete lack of satisfaction experienced by many women in the sexual relationship may often be helped by good medical or psy­chiatric attention. When it is accentuated or caused by ex­tremely painful intercourse in young wives it needs expert help immediately or the situation will almost certainly deteriorate. In the same way when it is caused by deep fear of possible pregnancy it needs immediate help. Another cause of dissatis­faction, faulty conduct of sexual intercourse on the part of the husband, may also be helped by some appropriate advice, pre­ferably by a doctor.

But many cases of dissatisfaction are not relieved by any of these measures, because they are due to much deeper sexual inhibitions, often the product of faulty conditioning of the wife by parents and others. There may be deep hostilities against men in general which are well hidden from the woman's awareness, but which cause all kinds of apparently irrational and obstinately persistent sexual attitudes, such as frigidity and vaginismus, or even latent or overt homosexual attitudes. When there is any indication of such deeper disorders ap­propriate referral is generally advisable.

The two most common sexual difficulties in men which are found in cases of sexual dissatisfaction in marriage are impo­tence and premature ejaculation. Each of these is generally a product of nervousness rather than of any physical or chemical inadequacy, and no hormonal treatment is likely to help unless there are definite physical indications of a glandular deficiency. Many cases of premature ejaculation gradually develop to normality if they are accepted with patience, but cases of im­potence are generally of deeper origin and need some form of psychotherapy if they are to be brought back to normal. Even with this the results are not always good, especially when there is any indication of latent or overt homosexuality. Referral is generally advisable.

It is essential to give some consideration to certain apparently abnormal accompaniments of sexual intercourse, because they may well come up for discussion in counseling. It is generally felt by those who have made a special study of these that con­siderable latitude is essential in assessing what is permissible, as long as two fairly fundamental principles are safeguarded. The first of these is that any such sexual conduct that is distressing or distasteful to the partner should be regarded as in need of serious reconsideration, and the second is that any sexual conduct that takes the place of proper sexual inter­course is to be regarded as abnormal. If the counselor bases his handling of such situations on these two principles he is not likely to do any harm in this kind of situation. In any doubt a referral to the partners' own doctor or to a psychia­trist is worth considering.

In any counseling with partners in sexual difficulties the counselor will generally attempt to gain some knowledge of the total background of the situation by getting some idea of the sexual history of the partners. Much of this may come out spontaneously in the stories that each of them give, but the counselor can add to this by some well designed questions when there is an opening for them. He can keep his own mental processes in an orderly sequence by working back from the present to the past. The general history of the present marriage and the sexual attitudes and methods, the number of children and of miscarriages if any, and the feelings of each about them may come first. Then the history of any previous marriages, the conduct of the courtship and engagement period and of any previous love affairs may be discussed, and an opportunity given for an account of anything that may have been a cause of deep regret or disillusionment. Then the at­titude of parents and siblings and playmates at school, and the way in which the early introduction to sex was conducted may be reviewed, together with the emotional attitudes of the client to the various manifestations of sex.

The progressively frank discussion of these emotionally charged elements of the situation in the calm accepting atmos­phere of counseling will often prove to be an entirely new experience for the client, and it will do much to overcome many of his bewilderments and fears and to bring a growing release from his emotional conflicts and tensions. Even when there are deeply repressed elements, which need psycho­therapy if they are to be adequately dealt with, the experience of counseling will provide an important part of the therapy, and may even help the clients to a point at which they can go on developing themselves without specialist help. Much will obviously depend on how naturally and comfortably the coun­selor is able to handle the sexual aspects of the clients' nar­ratives, and counsellors need to be at ease in their own per­sonalities in this field if they are to be adequate for the work.

Finally in this discussion of the sexual relationship it might be suggested that at its best human sexual intercourse can be regarded as a complete abandoned self-offering of each to the other as an expression of outgoing unselfish love, a re-enactment together of the partners' "one-flesh-ness" in the marriage relationship, through which it can be progressively deepened and the partners brought to an ever closer union. If it can be accepted in this way there will be less desire to de­mand and more willingness to offer. There will also be more regular personal attention to the quality of love which the regular sexual intercourse seeks to express, and in this way the partners will be much more likely to grow together to greater maturity in their total relationship.

Such a "sacramental" view of sexual intercourse should be at least offered to all young people before marriage and fully discussed with them, so that they are clear in their minds about it. The satisfaction of appetite is in no way disregarded, but it is not then the primary motive for this deeply signifi­cant action, through which it is hoped to nourish and strengthen the loving bond between husband and wife; so that their union can weather all the storms to which marriage, more than ever in these days, is exposed. While ministers may well delegate the work of explaining the physical aspects of sexual inter­course, and even some of the emotional aspects of it, to doctors, it would seem that the Church has a solemn duty and an equally solemn privilege, to offer this deeper spiritual aspect of it to all candidates for marriage, and to people who may seek the counsel of ministers after marriage for any diffi­culty in their sexual relationships.

b. The personal relationship. Professor John Macmurray once described human relationships as of three kinds: instru­mental, organic and personal. An instrumental relationship is one in which a person is regarded and used as an instrument, a means to an end. An organic relationship is one in which the participants are related through common membership of a group, and the purpose of the relationship is for the pro­motion of some sectional common interest. A trade union, a professional association and an employers' federation are ex­amples of this kind of relationship. A personal relationship is one that is self-justifying, it exists for its own sake, although it may fall apart if no common activity or purpose emerges to express the relationship and thereby nourish and strengthen it.

Each of these human relationships may be at the heart of a particular marriage and the bond between husband and wife may change from any one to any other of them. But in coun­seling we are mainly concerned, not so much with the type of relationship as such, but with the elements of marital con­flict, in this case those applicable to the personal relationship. The type of relationship is here important insofar as it is an element in the conflict.

Four common types of conflicts in the personal relationship found in marriage counseling will be discussed, hostility, in­difference,   dictatorship   and   dependency.   They   are   often interrelated with one another, but for purposes of discussion they will be dealt with separately.

Hostility is a universal human emotion and there is no human relationship into which it does not enter to some extent. Mar­ried couples who boast that they have "never had a quarrel in thirty years of marriage" have generally refused to face the inevitable hostilities. Some married couples who have gone into marriage with the "pipe dream" of the "live happily ever after" phantasy, may be deeply disillusioned by the first expres­sion of real hostility, and may come to the impulsive conviction that their marriage is doomed. They need to be helped to the awareness that love can never be quite "100%"; that even though one may love another person deeply there are times when there is intense hostility against him. What matters most in marriage is not so much the fact of hostility but the extent to which for any reason it is threatening the stability of the marriage or injuring the children.

Hostility may show itself in all kinds of ways, disparaging criticism, belittling, sarcasm, slander, malicious actions, sulk­ing, disloyality, twisting everything so as to put the "blame" on the other, physical violence, and other forms of mental and physical cruelty. In the marital situation the whole problem becomes so complicated by the mixture of action, reaction, and further retaliatory and protective devices as to be very difficult for anyone to disentangle. But it is not the counselor's task to judge such issues, but rather to provide the atmosphere in which the differences and the hostilities can be openly faced and worked out by the partners if they are willing to do so.

In such working out it is important to distinguish between the "wounds" which come from direct injury; physical or men­tal cruelty; and those which arise from frustrated expectations which may have been unreal and unwarranted. The husband who  expects  another  "mother"  and  finds  himself  with  a "wife" may be very hostile at his wife's failure to live up to "mother," but he has somehow to come to terms with reality.

As we have seen previously the most important task of the counselor in handling hostility is to give it sufficient chance to be expressed by each partner in a fully accepting atmosphere; and then to work backward from the hostile feelings to the assumptions about life, about people, and about the client himself (or herself) on which the feelings may be based. In the clarification of hostility it may be that the partners will gain some insight into the distinction between acceptance of the partner's feelings and the nonacceptance of his actions. There's no reason to expect that all that any partner does will be acceptable to the other, but there is a vital difference be­tween "I don't like what you're doing because of so and so" and "You mustn't do that." The first of these is a perfectly warranted expression of attitude, which does not constitute an interference with human freedom, while the second is a threat to human autonomy which is only justified when the unacceptable conduct may cause some oppression or injury to the partner or the children.

In many cases of hostility which come to the counselor the partners each accuse the other of doing something "wrong," when in fact the conflict is often in terms of "difference" rather than "right and wrong." The counselor can often help to clarify these conflicts by asking the appropriate question, "Is it really that your wife (or husband) is wrong in doing this or that you have quite different ideas about it?" "Is it that what seems so wrong to you may not seem wrong to your partner?" Such questions bring some fresh thought to matters and ideas which had been taken for granted. Of course there are some things that are in fact wrong in the sense that they are against the law, or that they are unjustifiably injurious to the marriage, the partner, or the children; and in such cases the offending partner may be faced with the question of the consequences or possible consequences of his actions and the extent to which the other partner will feel disposed to put up with them. In this way the conflict will at least be brought into the open, where it may be possible to deal adequately with it.

When two partners can learn to deal reasonably adequately with hostility in each other they will have reached a good level of emotional maturity, and will be able to help each other greatly in any outbursts of hostility which are always possible in marriage. It is a strange fact of experience that many husbands and wives who are able to be charming, gracious and well-behaved with everybody else are repeatedly hostile, ill-mannered, and very ill-behaved with their own partners and their children, as if their main rebellion is against the marriage and family bond, or the obligations of marriage. This may also be helped by clarification in the counseling.

Indifference is another very common disturbance of the personal relationship of marriage to come up for consideration in marriage counseling. It is also apparently very common in many marriages for which no counseling is sought. It is often a slow insidious "disease" of marriage, and it shows itself in many different ways. There may be a lack of common in­terests and cooperative activities, a lack of interest in or even awareness of the feelings, the needs or the rights of the partner or the children, or there may be a neglect of the essential responsibilities concerning the house or the financial necessities. Each may gradually come to go his own way and live like boarders in the same house without any real compan­ionship.

Indifference is a less dramatic, but a far more serious disorder of marriage than hostility, and a much more difficult one for the partners to deal with, because the necessary motivation has generally been more or less destroyed. While hostility is the emotional "opposite" of love and is apt, like all emotions, to be changeable; indifference is the "opposite" of the "goodwill" aspect of love, the sustained and sustaining bond of marriage, and it is more likely to be an established attitude, less open to change. When indifference comes into the marriage the deep emotional needs of the partners for affection and companion­ship are frustrated, and the stage is set for strong urges for either of them to seek the fulfilment of such needs elsewhere. This of course will tend to make the situation still more difficult and complicated.

When indifference or withdrawal of companionship are dis­covered in the counseling the counselor will seek to discover and to help the partners to understand something of why it came about. It may be that the original decision to marry was based on inadequate foundations or motives, and then the partners need to work out their ideas of how they can find ways of building better on what resources they have or can develop. It may be that one or both have personal inadequacies that may be overcome to some extent with patient help, or that their marital relationship has become upset by misunder­standings or failures, or that pressures from their environment have proved overwhelming. Any or all of these possible deter­mining factors will need to be explored in the counseling, to­gether with their relationships as children with the significant people in their lives.

One specific kind of indifference merits particular attention, the fairly common reaction of wives when they return home after childbirth. The emotional strain of pregnancy and the confinement, and the intense stirring of the maternal instinct through contact with and nursing of the eagerly anticipated baby may leave little emotional energy for a time for her to offer to the husband. In some cases, of course, when the baby is not greatly wanted, there may be still more emotional strain, with the addition of feelings of guilt and frustration, together with some apprehensiveness about the mother's ability to carry the job of parenthood through satisfactorily. In either case the newly returned mother of the first, and even more of the second and third child, may feel a kind of indifference to the advances and even the needs of her husband. If he does not understand this it may well bring considerable hostility on his part from the "injustice" of being "treated like that "when he has been denied some of the normal relationships during the later months of his wife's pregnancy." If the husband can accept his wife's temporary indifference, even though he may find it hard to understand it, and can support her in the difficult task of settling down to a radically changed household, with a new baby and sometimes also with one or more jealous toddlers, she will generally negotiate the readjustment that is necessary without much delay, and their personal relationship will be strengthened through the experience of going through the difficult period together.

Situations of this kind may be very much more difficult when they are complicated by any "parent fixation" on the part of either husband or wife. Unless this can be faced and dealt with the indifference will more likely become fixed, and the barriers will grow steadily more impenetrable.

Dictatorship is almost invariably found in marital conflict, and it is sometimes one of the most influential elements in the disorder. It is generally rationalized in some way, and it tends to stir up reactions in the "victim" which only make matters worse. Behind the dictatorial attitudes are often such intra-personal inadequacies as immaturity, perfectionism, deep insecurity and feelings of inferiority, and other kinds of neu­rotic and even psychotic personality. In other cases it may arise as a reaction to dictatorship in the partner, in the conviction that the only way to guard against being overwhelmed by a dictator is to do the same oneself. In this way it is often found that each partner can quite logically accuse the other of being dictatorial.

The external manifestations of dictatorship will vary greatly with the type of personality of the "dictator." There may be aggressive expressions, such as domineering, tyranny, shouting, physical cruelty or violence, financial tyranny, and a rooted and well rationalized determination to "make the other one over" to an arbitrary pattern in the mind of the "dictator." The aggressive attitudes are often carried over into the sexual relationship, with threats of all kinds of retaliation if the de­mands are not fulfilled.

On the other hand there may be less openly aggressive ex­pressions, such as nagging and "needling," sulking, masochistic "suffering," or even actual sickness. At times there may be even demands on the partner to feel in a particular way, for example when a husband willingly goes with his wife to some function he doesn't enjoy at all, simply out of love for her and the desire to do things with her, and she is hurt because he didn't enjoy the function.

The first task of the counselor is to help the dictatorial person to a realization that in fact he is demanding, whether or not he may feel there are adequate reasons for doing so. This is often surprisingly difficult, especially in the case of men, who may still have deep in their minds the largely obsolete concept that marriage is a male-dominated affair. It is common for a husband or wife to make a clear and definite demand and in the next breath deny completely that any demand has been made! There may be such a comment as "All I ask is that —," or a statement that he is not demanding, but only appeal­ing to the partner.

In such cases the question, "Can you tell me the difference between an appeal and a demand?" will generally bring some deep thought, and the most common answer will be in some such terms as "It depends on what way it is put. A demand is put in forceful terms and an appeal in reasonable terms." This of course is not necessarily true, many demands can be put in most reasonable appealing terms, but they are none the less demanding. The partners need to see that the real difference is that an appeal is willing to take "no" for an answer, while a demand, however appealingly put, is not willing to take "no" for an answer. Once this is realized and accepted the partners will have this whole question much better clarified in their minds, and there will be fewer demands in most cases.

It is difficult for many people to accept the idea that we cannot hold people up to their moral (as distinct from their legal) obligations. We can express disapproval, and make our own adjustment or reaction to what is being done, but we cannot abolish the "autonomy" or self-government which is the very core of democratic society, for which men and women have fought and died over the centuries. Bernard Shaw once made the penetrating observation that "when all the other autocracies have vanished from the world, the last autocracy left will be the family—usually governed by the worst disposition in it."

The demanding person then, unless the partner is an exces­sively compliant person, will need to come to the realization that we can only seek to win other people's cooperation; that any cooperation gained by coercion, bribery or trickery is only superficial and generally worth very little. The "victim" of demands may come to the realistic insight that it is not neces­sary to prevent the demands from being made, that would constitute a denial of free speech. Neither is it necessary to respond by attempted dictatorship, that leads to stalemate or deeper conflict. It is possible to grant the other person the privilege of demanding what he likes, and reserving the natural freedom to comply or not to comply. The "victim" might respond in some such manner as "You want me to do so and so, but I'm sorry, I don't feel it's right for me to do that, and I shall have to disappoint you." This is an application of the simple democratic principle of "live and let live." We can do what we feel to be right, not necessarily what we want to do, and not what somebody else thinks is right for us. To stand firm on one's own convictions in this way, while granting others the privilege of thinking and saying what they like about it, would seem to be the only realistic democratic way of living, domestically or socially.

When someone disapproves deeply of any action it be­hooves us to give genuine consideration to that attitude, and if possible to find out why it is being held, rather than to be obstinately fixed in what we have decided. We can often learn from our severest critics, and the very fact of giving seri­ous consideration to any such criticism or demand will do much to preserve the relationship. We can accept such criti­cism more calmly when we remember that it is the duty of a partner to express his ideas on matters affecting the partner­ship in any way, rather than to be a "silent partner," especially rather than to harbor hostile feelings in such matters.

It is possible therefore to deal with many disagreements by accepting the partner's feelings on the matter involved, and accepting his conduct within the law, but feeling free to ex­press one's own feelings about it. In such attitudes as this the way is open for the constructive use of disagreements and conflicts. It is well that this is possible, for there will inevitably be many conflicts in marriage and family living.

Such handling of conflicts can be of real help in some particular kinds of conflict, such as those found in "mixed marriages," and those with "in-laws," or with other people such as employers and friends.

Dependency, the fourth of the disruptive elements in the personal relationship of marriage, is also normally found to some extent in practically every marriage. Aristotle is credited with the observation that "the man who can do without his fellows is either a beast or a god!" We are inter-dependent rather than independent, and the question that matters in this aspect of marriage counseling is the degree of dependency and its effect on the marital relationship.

As with the other elements we have considered, dependency can show itself in many different ways. One partner may be an inveterate "leaner" on the other, and appear to have little or no capacity to stand on his or her own feet. This depend­ency may show itself as intense possessiveness or jealousy, or in persistent demands on the partner of the different kinds we have been considering.

When such expressions of dependency come into counseling it is for the counselor to try to discover as many of the back­ground reasons for the dependency as possible, because the best growth will come when the causative factors can be understood and if possible dealt with. He will also need to make some tentative assessment of the possible resources for growth in the dependent person, and of the attitudes and resources of the partner through which the situation may be given time and opportunity for positive development. Some actual suggestions may be necessary for a dependent person, as long as they are not offered in such a way as to increase the dependency or to divert it onto the counselor. For example if a wife seems quite helpless in the management of the home and in such essential matters as cooking, the suggestion of a definite attempt to gain some training in these things would seem to be valid. The counselor will put such suggestions in the "creative questioning" form, such as "Do you think it would help if you could go and get some domestic training at one of the domestic science schools, or from some friend or relative?" In this way the initiative is left to some extent with the client, and necessity can still remain for him or her "the mother of invention"—and of growth.

The partner of the excessively dependent person may need some help in the acceptance of the amount of dependency that seems inevitable at any stage in the counseling progress, be­cause any great impatience or hostility might well reduce the dependent person to despair, and make the whole project more difficult or even impossible. To live with a dependent person may require considerable judgment regarding how much can be left to him to do, even at the risk of domestic untidiness for a time, and considerable patience to give time and sufficient encouragement for development. But with rea­sonable care it is generally possible for two partners to develop to a remarkable extent in such cases, particularly if any ac­cessible underlying factors, such as previous over-mothering, can be faced and worked through in the counseling.

c. The parental relationship in this part of the discussion means the particular part of the husband-wife relationship which is concerned with their mutual function as parents. Many areas of deep conflict may come up in counseling which involve this aspect of marriage. Those which will be dealt with may be considered in chronological order.

The first that may arise is premarital pregnancy, with some very deep emotional consequences in each partner. It may be that they decide to marry largely because of the heavy pressure of the respective families, especially that of the girl. In such cases there is great danger of resentment on either side, and such matters are all too often "thrown up" at one or other partner when hostilities arise from any cause. The memory of the premarital intercourse may generate or increase deep suspicions by either husband or wife of the fidelity of the other in later years. Such dangers are lessened when the two young people marry by free mutual consent with the full knowledge that there is another good alternative, the offering of the baby for adoption, even though it may be an agonizing decision for the mother.

In some cases, when a pregnant girl is persuaded or coerced to the participation in an illegal abortion, there are profound effects on her deepest emotions, some of which may not show themselves for many years. When such cases come to the counselor before marriage and he is faced with the decision of the girl to seek such an abortion, it is his duty to make sure at least that she realizes some of the less obvious consequences of what she is considering. It may also be necessary for the counselor to have some discussion with other participants in the whole matter, such as the father of the child and the parents of the two lovers. In this way it may be possible for the impulsive urges of fear and guilt-stricken people to be controlled, and for some rational and honest consideration of the whole situation to be encouraged.

The girl who either hands her baby over for adoption or has it removed by abortion will often be in great need of help, and in many cases the counselor can offer good cooperation to the girl's doctor who may also be offering some help. In this way she may be able to unburden her feelings more fully and come to more radical adjustment, often with the further help of a wise minister. There will then be less danger of permanent wounds to her personality which might other­wise do damage to future marital relationships and future parenthood.

Next, in point of time may come an unexpectedly early pregnancy and parenthood, possibly with quite serious con­sequences from the point of view of finance and housing. Some good help here may sometimes be given by a social worker, and it often happens that with good counseling ways can be found to help such young people through the difficult adjust­ment to the unexpected early responsibility of parenthood.

Too many children for the young couple's resources of money, housing and energy may also bring some marital disorder, especially when there are difficulties in the way of effective family planning, either from ignorance or stupid­ity, or from conscientious objections. In the same way a succes­sion of children coming too soon after one another may have some adverse effects on the partnership as well as on the wife's health. Good counseling in such matters, with possible referral for special help, may bring better conditions and an improvement in the relationship.

At the other extreme a young couple for various reasons may delay parenthood for an unduly long period, and become so well adapted to each other and to a childless marriage that they either give up the idea of parenthood altogether, or find the child or children a hindrance to their previously settled life. This delay or denial of motherhood, either by her own desire or still more by some kind of pressure from her husband, may have quite considerable effects on the wife's emotional attitudes, in ways not obviously connected with the particular frustration. Many doctors have seen a nervous, irritable, restless wife come to a dramatic recovery with the arrival of her own or even an adopted child, even when she was not at all happy about an unexpected pregnancy.

Disagreements about the question of adoption when desires for children of their own have been unfulfilled sometimes appear to be quite a large element in a marital disorder, especially when the wife has a strong maternal instinct and the husband a rooted objection to adoption. The parents of each partner may well have their strong opinions and have no hesitation in expressing them. Counseling which seeks to find any deep underlying factors in such attitudes may help them to find a way through the situation which does no great violence to any of the personal feelings concerned. Many people have vague or distorted ideas about adoption and open discussion in the accepting atmosphere of counseling will often bring more sense of realism to the situation. Husbands don't always realize the depth of the frustration of the maternal instinct in their wives in such cases. In any case of apparent infertility it is of course understood that the partners will have been referred for special medical investigation of the situation.

A common element in marital disorder is the effect on the husband of the arrival of the first or any other child with the consequent change in the balance of the family. There may be deep unconscious vulnerabilities in the husband which are suddenly brought to the surface when a child arrives, and their manifestations appear quite irrational until the deeper elements are realized. The well known situation of the hus­band who finds mothering in a "maternally minded" wife and feels rejected and jealous when she becomes involved with more natural objects for mothering was described at the beginning of this book. A deeper vulnerability which may occur in a husband is that which stems from his childhood jealousy of a little brother or sister which was punished or belittled by his parents and therefore repressed. In such cases he may have quite "unreasonable" hostility to his new baby, and deep jealousy of any attention his wife gives to per­fectly natural mothering of the child. This will be helped greatly when it is brought out in the counseling.

Another kind of conflict affecting the mutual task of parent­hood is in the general type of care and discipline of children. This of course is best worked out between the partners either during the engagement period or at least before the arrival of their children, but many couples fail to do this adequately and find themselves in quite serious quarrels about the handling of children. Here again many attitudes of husband and wife come less from "reason" than from deep habitual attitudes which have "carried over" from their own childhood. In counseling their differing rationalizations may well give place to more compatible realistic ideas when each of them is given the chance to relate present feelings to the background experience. Sometimes a referral to a child guidance clinic may be helpful.

d. The social relationships. This is a fairly wide field, which may cover such matters as friends, sports and hobbies, business and professional associates, necessities of work (such as travelling or "working back" or "entertaining"), and in­volvement with church work or other kinds of voluntary social service. Any of these may be brought up in counseling as elements in the trouble, and as in previous cases there are many deeper but more influential factors in most of these problems than are immediately obvious.

In some cases the trouble has been felt from the beginning and then may stem from the fact that one or both of the partners have failed to adapt themselves from a comfortable individualism to the responsibility of marriage. Their "I" has failed to become in any real sense "We." This is a kind of immaturity, often the product of "spoiling" by overindulgent parents in childhood, and such people may enter marriage with the naive idea that they will go on being coddled. They have never been able to develop a sense of responsibility to any but compulsory tasks, and not always even to them. This situation may involve considerable patience on the part of both partners and also of the counselor, because growth of any kind is always slow. The counselor's task, having helped the partners to understand the realities of the situation, is to try to help them hold the marital relationship  while  the growth and the learning can have sufficient time to produce results.

Sometimes the undue preoccupation of a partner with many old friends of the same sex is a result of latent or even actual homosexuality, and in such cases there will almost always be quite obvious disturbances of the sexual relationship between the partners as well. When there is any indication of the possibility of this kind of trouble a referral is advisable.

Probably most of the social difficulties which are not the result of unavoidable duties are really symptoms of a deeper conflict between husband and wife, a slowly corroding in­difference which has gradually made home less attractive and desirable. Many husbands who spend hours "with the boys" on the way home each evening, to the growing resentment of their wives, would come home much more readily if the atmosphere were more attractive. When the wife objects, which she feels quite justified in doing, it only tends to make the husband feel less anxious to come home, and the children suffer from both the absence of their father and the increasing peevishness of their mother.

In such cases it is essential to open up the deeper elements before any worthwhile healing of the marital situation can be expected. To tell such a husband that he ought to take more interest in his wife and his home, and to tell the wife that she ought to make the home more welcoming, will generally leave each of them quite unmoved. They will have had much of this kind of advice from interested relatives, and it will most likely have added to their feelings of despair. When the deeper elements are brought to the surface and many old "festering sores" are faced and dealt with the way may be­come open for a restoration of the deeper emotional communi­cation and the recovery of mutual affection and confidence, and a new era may well dawn in the marriage. Unless the marriage and the home can be given a high priority in the feelings of each partner the situation will be in danger of such deterioration as we have been considering.

e. What goal is being aimed at in marriage counseling? This question is worthy of some consideration because mar­riage is not a fixed or uniform kind of relationship. There are many kinds of successful marriages, and any counselor who, consciously or unconsciously, seeks to make his own concept of marriage the goal of his counseling will often find himself in difficulties. The very essence of counseling is that the clients are helped to work toward the kind of marital relation­ship that they find mutually satisfactory, which may be quite different from what the counselor would regard as a good marital relationship.

In emphasizing this it must also be recalled that certain kinds of marital relationship are less stable or more vulner­able than others, and it may be appropriate for the counselor to help any couple to some realization of the possible dangers, so that they can recognize any early indications of trouble and seek any necessary help. A case in point has already been suggested, the maternally minded girl giving a lot of "mother­ing" to an already "over-mothered" husband, and each of them finding the relationship quite satisfactory. This is of course a very vulnerable kind of marriage if any children are expected in the future, and it would help the partners to pre­pare for the readjustment if they have some idea of the dangers.

With this kind of reservation it is important for the coun­selor to keep in his mind the essential fact that his function is to help his clients to better insight into their own and their partners' attitudes and actions so that they can work out with each other the kind of marital relationship that they find most mutually acceptable.

Some idea of the different kinds of successful marriage can be obtained by thinking of them from the points of view of certain specific categories. For example using domination as a criterion we can see many apparently successful marriages in which the husband is the dominant partner, others in which the wife is dominant, and all grades between the two with varying degrees of domination and cooperation in the differ­ent areas of the lives of the partners. As long as the relation­ship is mutually acceptable these different patterns of mar­riage can be quite successful.

Another category, which may well overlap with the first, is the manner in which the partners attempt to settle their main differences. Here again we have all variations between the quiet peaceful home and that in which the partners seem to revel in brawls and quarrels, even to the point of shouting and screaming at each other, and yet seem to get on very well together and to form a strongly united front in the face of any external threat or difficulty. Another group of partners find that they can discuss many of their differences openly, but that some of them are "walled off" and kept out of the way in order to preserve peace. This may be vulnerable, but many couples manage to get on well in this way.

A third category, again overlapping with the others, is what may be called the pivot on which the partnership re­volves. There are marriages which are mainly governed by the welfare of the children, and the parents seem to delight in submerging themselves for their children's benefit. At the other end of this scale there are marriages in which the children are largely left to look after their own welfare, and the partners put their own affairs first, or possibly they even regard some community activities as of sufficient impor­tance to override everything else. Again any of these marriages can be successful as long as the policy is one of mutual ac­ceptance.

A fourth category is that of general administration, and here there are great variations between the couples who do most things together and have almost all their interests in com­mon and those at the other end of the scale who largely delight in going their separate ways and find great interest in each other's activities. The necessary common interest in such cases is in each other's separate doings, and as long as they agree in this way of administering their partnership it can work well. A still less definite kind of structure which can work very well within its limitations is the "de facto" part­nership, in which for some unalterable reason the partners are unable to go through the official form of marriage but find a mutual delight and mutual benefit in the unconventional partnership.

A final category to be mentioned here is that of the varying roles in marriage, from the conventional one of a husband as breadwinner and his wife looking after the home and family, through various kinds of situation in which husband and wife both work and the children are managed largely by a grand­mother or a housekeeper, to the occasional situation in which the conventional roles are completely reversed. In this latter case the husband may, for example, have been crippled by poliomyelitis or some other ailment or injury, and may keep an eye on the domestic scene while his wife acts as the breadwinner. Here again each of these patterns can work very well if they are accepted by mutual consent.

There are probably many other categories by which differ­ing patterns of successful marriage can be assessed, even to an occasionally successful "triangular situation." But enough has been suggested to make it clear that marriage is largely what the partners want it to be, and not a rigid or constant pattern imposed by anyone else, especially not by any good counselor.

7. further clarification in the "intra-personal" area

As we have seen the marriage counselor as such is mainly concerned with offering help in the disturbed relationship be­tween the partners rather than in the inner personality dy­namics of either of them. This intra-personal area is much more the province of the psychotherapist, and the marriage counselor as such is not trained to do psychotherapy in this sense.

But it is generally impossible to draw any sharp line be­tween the "relationship" and the "intra-personal" areas in the majority of marital problems that come for help, and if every intra-personal disturbance discovered by the marriage counselor were referred to a psychiatrist there would soon be an oversaturation of the available time and energy of all the psychiatrists in any country.

It is therefore part of the training of marriage counselors, and indeed of social workers, to keep predominantly within their own fields, the marriage counselor within the relationship field and the social worker within the environmental field; but to be able to deal with the less intense and complex elements of their clients' problems which may encroach to some extent into the associated fields. In any such extension they are under an obligation to recognize their limitations and to seek appro­priate referral whenever it seems at all advisable or in any case of doubt. In fact many social workers find that their knowledge and experience enable them to use the rapport they gain with clients to help them greatly in their relation­ships and in their inner personality disorders. In some clinics this is done with the full approval of the psychiatrist in charge. The same spread into related fields cannot altogether be avoided by the marriage counselor.

In an earlier chapter we have considered some of the most common intra-personal factors which can contribute to marital disorder under four headings, ignorance or misinformation, immaturity, illness, physical and mental, and irreligion; and some account has been given of the main indications of these factors and of their possible effects on the marital relationship. We may now consider how the counselor sets out to elicit and to clarify his clients' attitudes and feelings in this area.

Many of the more obvious indications of intra-personal dis­orders will come out spontaneously in the progress of the counseling, especially as the counselor looks with clients at their role perceptions, their habitual attitudes and responses, their uncritical assumptions and emotional needs, their back­ground "conditioning" and their personality types. By the kind of "creative question" already discussed, asked at the most appropriate point in the discussion to follow out the clients' trains of thought the clarification can continue.

As we saw in the previous section on "further clarification in the relationship area," many intra-personal disorders and dis­tortions will come up so closely interrelated with the relation­ships that they cannot be separated from them, even if that were desirable. But if the counselor has some kind of orderly arrangement in his own mind he can save himself from confusion of thought and help the client to more ordered thinking too. All of these classifications are mainly for that purpose, and to some extent to assist in orderly description.

When the counselor discovers indications of ignorance or misinformation regarding some significant or potentially signif­icant matter for the marital relationship it is generally best to begin by encouraging the client to further unburdening so that counselor and client may come to a clearer idea of how the client came to think as he did. In this way the client is kept in active participation in the interview, and is more likely to be open to further information and to remember it. The actual information given is also more likely to fit the client's real needs when he has been encouraged to talk out the partic­ular point that has come up.

A client can often be helped to work out many insights of this kind by creative questioning. For example the "perfection-istic" wife might be asked some such questions as this: "If you feel that you must insist on your high standards being lived up to by everyone else in the family, why shouldn't any of the others expect their lower standards to be accepted by you and all the others?" Such a question will possibly start some further consideration of a few of the principles of human relationships.

In other cases some definite appropriate information on matters within the knowledge of the counselor may be given to the client in simple terms, and if necessary repeated on sub­sequent occasions. It sometimes takes time and repetition for new concepts to take root in a client's mind. The best time for the giving of information is after the emotional tensions and conflicts have had sufficient opportunity to become un­burdened, because as we have seen emotion tends to "blind" many people to "sweet reason."

In considering the offering of information the counselor needs to watch for evidences of mental illness, particularly such manifestations as delusions. It is waste of time, and gen­erally more harmful than beneficial, to attempt to "educate" people out of any kind of delusion. A workable approach to such a situation as the assertion that someone is inflicting ill­ness on the client by electricity, is as follows: "You feel you are being attacked in this way, what do you feel you can do about it? What help were you hoping for from me?" It is a relief to some people worried by delusions to find someone who will give them any kind of hearing, instead of the reiter­ated affirmation that what they think is happening is impos­sible.   Ultimately,  when  the   deluded  person  has  told   the counselor that the police, the lawyers, the doctors and the ministers have all "let him down," the counselor may come with him to the suggestion, "Well, if it is as you think, it looks as if you've got to live and do your job in spite of them and call their bluff." It is assumed in all of this discussion that psychiatric help has been sought, and when the situation of such a person becomes unbearable, of actual or potential dan­ger to him or to anyone else, the psychiatrist will arrange appropriate institutional care.

There are many delusional assertions which are completely outside the counselor's available knowledge, such as the re­peated accusation by a wife that her husband is carrying on with one or more other women, generally backed by all kinds of plausible but circumstantial "evidence." When this is re­peated in session after session, the counselor may be forced to such a question as this: "If you can't accept your husband's repeated assurance that he is 'playing the game' with you, how can I help you in this part of the trouble? It may be that she will need some help in the difficult task of living with the indelible ideas of her husband's "infidelity," even though he too is in constant deep distress at his wife's trouble and his own inability to "get across" to her. He may also need help in coping with a wife who cannot let him alone, and accuses him night and day of "carrying on" with other women.

Another possible and sometimes effective method of dealing with ignorance and misinformation is through books, booklets, pamphlets, and occasionally the provision of lectures. These need to be well chosen with regard to the suitability of the material, the manner and the spirit in which they are pre­sented, and the capacity of the clients to profit by them. The appropriate time for offering such help through literature also needs careful consideration.

When literature or lectures are offered to clients it is well for the counselor to offer them the opportunity of discussing the material in subsequent sessions, encouraging them to mark any particular parts of the material which they may wish to discuss, and also eliciting from them their general impressions of the information that has been offered, and the application of the various matters to their own situation. General and specific information given in books or lectures or pamphlets needs to be applied to the particular feelings and needs of the clients if it is to be of the most practical value. Dealt with in this way it forms a very important part of the counseling process, and it has increased value because it can be taken up and studied at any future occasion if needed. Most if not all marriage counseling agencies keep a supply of printed material for distribution and sale, and also have lists of recommended reading material. Many of them also organize classes of in­struction for those who may feel disposed to enroll.

In dealing with apparent immaturity of any kind in either partner the counselor will generally attempt to encourage the client to discuss his earlier background "conditioning," and this has already been dealt with in a previous section. In seeking to find out what kind of relationships existed between the client and significant people in his childhood the question, "How did you get on with your mother (or other person)?" is likely to be answered in such a manner as "Oh all right," which may tend to close the discussion. A more productive approach is through the question, "What sort of person was your mother?" and in answering that kind of question the client will generally bring out many important aspects of his relationship with her. With similar questioning about father, step-parents, aunts, uncles, grandparents, teachers, brothers, sisters, half-brothers and sisters, and "unofficial" uncles and aunts, and friends. As we saw in the first case record in this book it may help to obtain a two-dimensional view of the client's background, from the client himself and from his partner, who will usually have some knowledge of it; and also possibly from anyone else with good knowledge. In such ways as this a fairly complete impression can be gained of the client's "style of life" (as Adler called it), which may help in the further counseling.

An important aspect of immaturity is the "vulnerability" of the client, and his "rigidity" of thought, attitude and be­havior. In his unburdening the counselor will gain some idea of what kinds of attitude and behavior in others upset him or stir up hostile reactions in him. The counselor may then be able to look with him behind the vulnerabilities to the un­critical assumptions and emotional needs and other inner factors which have contributed to them. They are better dealt with at this deeper level than at the superficial one.

When there are indications of any form of mental illness the counselor will necessarily consider the advisability of re­ferral, but in some milder and less obvious cases he may be able to help the client to better insight and better relationships. For example many clients show indications of self-hate, self-disparagement or even self-punishment, which may be trace­able back to the kind of conditioning which came from their parents. Others will show indications of projection or reaction formation, or other mental processes dealt with in a previous section. These are sometimes open. to counseling help, but when at all persistent or severe they generally need psycho­therapy.

Any apparently abnormal sexual attitudes or psychopathic manifestations will also bring the counselor to consider re­ferral as long as the marital situation is being threatened or upset by them. Some attempt to find the background factors in the assumption of such attitudes may be justifiable, and occasionally this will make it possible for the client and part­ner to understand them better and to work out constructive ways of dealing with them.

Certain religious attitudes in one or both clients may appear to cause quite serious conflicts in marriage, and these are often very difficult to deal with because they are at a level of thought which is not altogether open to reason, and are the products of long continued childhood conditioning. But such difficulties are a challenge to mutual tolerance which is sup­posed to be one of the products of good religion, and the counselor might well try to help the partners to face their religious conflicts on that basis. If they can learn to do this it may develop their religious attitudes towards much greater maturity and practical relevance. In many cases of immature or rigid religious attitudes this may demand very great tact and patience; and a way of handling the situation which comes "not to destroy but to fulfill," and which does not seek to impose any of the counselor's religious attitudes on the clients.

Where the difficulty and conflict is in the kind of religious training which is to be given to the children it may be diffi­cult to find a way through the trouble which is acceptable to both partners. It is much better when such difficulties are anticipated and worked out between the partners before the children come, but when this has not been done the counselor has to make the best of the situation in the face of all the emotional tensions which so often surround it. There is one general principle which may possibly be offered at any appro­priate stage in the counseling, that in those cases where the differences are at all great it is better for the children to share the religious attitudes and denomination of their mother, with whom they naturally have closer ties, than those of the father. For children to grow up with religious attitudes at variance with those of their mother involves difficulties and adverse consequences beyond general awareness, and the counselor may feel it incumbent on him to offer this information.

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