4. The General Setting of Marriage Counseling

I. WHERE SHOULD MARRIAGE COUNSELING TAKE PLACE?

It seems inevitable—when marriage counseling may be per­formed by such a variety of people, informally as well as formally—that it will be carried on in various kinds of locations, but some principles that seem worthy of emphasis bear on the "geographical" aspect of the work.

When marriage counseling is carried on through a voluntary social or professional organization it is generally regarded as essential that all such work should be done at the official headquarters of the organization. Matters of crucial impor­tance, such as the comprehensive team work and the necessary supervision together with the absolute necessity of keeping all case records and other documents strictly confidential and under lock and key, can only be safeguarded in this way. It is also an important part of the necessary counseling relation­ship that it should be left to clients to take the initiative in actually coming and seeking help rather than just allowing the help to come to them. There are many other valid reasons why marriage counseling at the homes of clients is inadvisable, except in very special cases when it may be absolutely un­avoidable.

Many social and religious organizations offer a marriage counseling service as part of their contribution to the com­munity welfare, and this again, for the same reasons, is gen­erally carried on at the headquarters of the particular organi­zation.

Private professional marriage counseling by psychiatrists, physicians, psychologists, social workers and others, is again generally carried on in the practitioner's consulting rooms, whether it is accepted as an exclusive activity or is included in a more varied and wider professional range. The same principles and reasons apply to this as to the more organized marriage counseling.

Ministers of religion cannot escape frequent requests for help in marital disorders, and some ministers become very competent in marriage counseling. Here again, however plausible and urgent any requests may be for counseling of this kind in the parishioner's home it seems much better in general for it to be done in the minister's own study, which throws the initiative onto the client. In a disturbed marital relationship there is always some deep emotional involvement, and the fact that a minister, or any other kind of counselor, calls repeatedly at the home of a wife who is estranged in any way from her husband, may well bring about deep and serious misunderstandings not likely to be helpful to the particular case or to the professional standing of the counselor.

Lawyers would seem in most if not all cases to perform the function of attempted reconciliation of estranged partners in their professional chambers, and when any divorce court judge decides to see the partners with a view to reconciliation he would naturally do so in his own chambers.

Lastly it may be emphasized that the place to which clients go for marriage counseling should be as unobtrusive as well as reasonably accessible as possible. People do not wish it to be obvious that they are visiting a marriage guidance or coun­seling agency.

2.  THE PRELIMINARIES OF MARRIAGE COUNSELING

The initial act which sets the whole process of marriage counseling in motion is usually the making of an appointment by one or both of the partners, or sometimes by someone in their behalf. This is usually done by telephone or by letter, or by direct personal visit to the agency, clinic, or professional rooms. It is generally agreed that in all cases of trouble or illness in which emotions are involved, the "helping" process begins with the first contact with the chosen source of help, and is assisted or hindered by the attitudes and actions of everyone who may be concerned in the work.

The person who answers the telephone, the door of the agency or consulting rooms, and any letters that are written, may have a vital influence on the whole course of the helping process. A natural, warm, friendly interest and an intuitive grasp of the feelings of people, with a genuine attempt to meet their needs as well as possible, will do much to start the work on the right foot.

The emotional "climate" of any agency or consulting rooms will depend partly on wise choice of staff, but possibly even more on the kind of relationship that exists between all who work together, from the director to the most junior helper. When the team work is of good quality, and the members have regular opportunities for keeping together, the nature of the work itself will help to promote good fellowship. It may be that such a simple occasion as a regular tea or coffee break to which every member of the staff is welcomed, will prove to be one of the best opportunities for such fellowship.

There is need for some flexibility with regard to appoint­ment times to allow the more urgent cases to be attended to without undue delay, but this of course depends on therelationship between the demands for help and the available staff. It is of great help to the receptionist or to whomever makes the appointments to have some available time for urgent cases, and thus avoid the difficulty of having to involve them in distressing and possibly dangerous delay.

At the first appearance of any client or clients at an agency or clinic it is likely that some details will be recorded, such as names and addresses, telephone numbers (with information as to whether it is desired that the number should not be called at any given times), and possibly some other facts such as date and place (church or registry office) of marriage, any previous marriages and how they were terminated, age and sex of children, religious persuasion of husband and wife, active or nominal, and whether changed after marriage, and occupations of husband and wife. The source of referral is also generally recorded at this time, and the present state of the marriage (if broken, who left and when?).

These basic details may be obtained either by questioning of the client by the receptionist; or if more suitable to the organization, by the counselor; or they may be recorded by the clients on a special form before they begin the actual counseling. In some marriage counseling agencies the clients fill in a very extensive formal questionnaire, and thus provide full data for research purposes, with very careful safeguards against breach of confidence through keeping names and addresses separate from any copies of data used for research.

The advantage of recording of data by the receptionist or by the clients before counseling is that the counselor will not have to risk leading the client to believe that he is looking mainly for factual data when he really is most concerned about the feelings of the client, and about what the facts or the experiences mean to the client. It also helps to make sure that these data will be recorded. On the other hand, when the counselor records these basic data his doing so will sometimes give the client a good opportunity to collect his or her thoughts, and "feel" his way into the counseling situation while giving these routine facts. The counselor can easily make it clear then that he is interested in how the client feels by his responses to any feelings that are expressed in the narrative.

The whole question of recording of interviews by the coun­selor is of some importance. From the client's point of view it is probably best if, after taking down the essential pre­liminary data, the counselor can put down his pen and give his full and undivided attention to the client; but in some cases this may have the drawback that the counselor will have to depend on his memory for the main details. When one counselor is dealing with a fairly large number of clients, this will obviously be very difficult. It may be possible for the counselor to write down a fairly full account of the interview immediately after it has been terminated, and with practice this may give a better record than anything written down during the interview. For any counselor it is most valuable to have a record of the main details of each interview, because he is then able to refresh his memory just before each subse­quent interview and begin it with some awareness of the client's previous feelings and experiences. This makes for much better rapport, and much greater efficiency.

Another alternative is for the client or the counselor to record a fuller range of data, including possibly some of the complaints and experiences of each client during the inter­views, and then for the counselor to make his own record of the appropriate details at the end of the sessions after the client has departed.

In some training centers in different parts of the world tape recordings of interviews are made, with the permission of the client and with safeguards against breach of confidence.This is of great value for the training of new counselors, with no disclosure of names, and also for the continuing training of established counselors. Such recordings can be the only means of checking the actual quality of the work of any coun­selor, and may well help a counselor to check his own attitudes and methods. So far it has not been used in marriage counseling centers in Australia, but it seems essential that some such, method of improving and safeguarding the standards of this work will need to be considered and organized.

In some American training schools selected interviews are carried out in rooms equipped with special windows which allow observation in one direction only, so that trainees can see and hear (through headphones) the whole interview, with­out knowing the name of the client. This is another excellent manner by which people can be trained for the very skilled work of marriage counseling, and by which the whole quality of the work can be improved.

3. WHAT SHOULD BE INCLUDED IN THE RECORDS OF MARRIAGE COUNSELING?

If we are to gain further specific knowledge from the rapidly growing and developing work of marriage counseling it is essential that reliable and reasonably comprehensive rec­ords should be kept, and that they should be kept in such a manner that any use of them will be for general statistical purposes and with absolute safeguard of the confidential nature of all that is disclosed to any marriage counselor. This safeguarding is generally carried out by distinguishing all records by a number and keeping the corresponding names and addresses on a separate cross-indexed file under lock and key, as of course are the records themselves.

It is important for the value of the records and also for the counselor's own orderly thinking and learning that he should keep at the back of his mind a fairly comprehensive picture of the main details which need to be recorded. In this way he is less likely to overlook some important aspect of the trouble which the partners may not volunteer to him in the course of the interviews, but which they will readily discuss if he asks a suitable "creative question" at the right time.

Much of the necessary material will be discussed later in this book but a brief summary at this point of the main head­ings under which the records may be made will possibly help the counselor to build up a simple and easily remembered pic­ture of what is valuable in the records.

The basic routine details of names, addresses, ages, religious affiliations, and other similar matters are for each counseling agency to decide upon in its standard record sheet, and these are often recorded at the time of registration by the reception­ist, although there is no reason why the counselor should not record them if that seems more workable. But the counselor will help in future research if he sees that clear records are made of some specific matters at least, and these can be divided for convenience into seven groups of data:—Observa­tion of the clients, Clients' motives for coming, Present situ­ation, Clients' feelings about the difficulty, Previous history, Counselor's assessments, and Final Outcome and Follow-up.

a. Observation of the clients. This is a useful beginning of each consecutive record, and it is most often neglected. It may include such characteristics as the following:—

Appearance:—strained, anxious, restless, "on guard," in­different, despairing, or hostile.
Dress:—neat or careless, restrained or flamboyant, etc.

Manner and behavior:—weeping,  aggressive,  withdrawn, clinging, or seductive, able to look counselor in the face, hand movements.

Speech:—voluble or reticent or silent, coherent or rambling, repetitive, restrained or hostile and aggressive.

The change in the records of the clients' appearance with the progress of counseling may offer a very good indication of what is happening, one which may not be so obvious from the record of what the clients say. Such records also offer an extra dimension by which the client can be pictured in the mind of the counselor in reviewing his case history, and by anyone doing research in the counseling field.

b. The clients' main motives for coming. Did they come willingly on their own initiative, or in the case of the second client in willing response to a letter of invitation by the coun­selor? Were they easily persuaded to come by a friend or relative, or referred by a minister, doctor, lawyer, or other person? Did they come rather hesitantly because of an appeal by someone to "give it just one more chance?" Or were they directed to come by a divorce court judge, and if so was it because they hadn't realized the availability of counselors or in spite of their own indifference or rebellious hostility? These are important details which may easily be omitted from the counselor's records unless he keeps them specifically in mind and develops good habits of recording.

As a corollary to the actual expressed motives for coming the counselor may gain some idea from the statements of the clients of their expectations from the counseling. Did they believe that the counselor would listen to them and ask any questions and then give his judgment and advice? Did they think it would only need one interview? These expectations are better picked up in the actual discussion, especially when the counselor comes to the point of defining the counseling situation and its goals; rather than made the subject of actual questions, at least at the beginning.

c. The present situation, as seen by the clients, and in their own words. Are they living together at the present time, if not how and when did they separate? If together what degree of tension?  Can they communicate?  How did the trouble develop and from when? Any events or experiences which seem to have helped to bring it about? How long mar­ried? What children—age, sex, temperament? Illnesses, living conditions, Jobs, Neighborhood, How do they relate in sex, personally, socially, parentally? What seem to be the main points of discord or vulnerability?

d. The clients' feelings about their difficulties and about themselves and each other. This is put in a separate heading to emphasize the need for recording of feelings as well as facts. Many records of less experienced counselors are almost entirely limited to the facts of the dispute and give no idea of how either client felt about them. With this account there may be information about each client's feelings about the "in-laws," about children, jobs, habits and all kinds of other matters which may stir up feelings.

Behind these feelings the counselor will try to evaluate each partner's "role perceptions" and "role expectations" in marriage and parenthood, and any consequent feelings of "role frustration." Behind these again he may discern some patterns of habitual attitudes and emotional needs and uncritical as­sumptions, all of which will be dealt with later. They are essential elements in a good record.

e. Previous history of each partner, as seen, if possible by both separately. Such matters as family background, school and social life, introduction to sex, courtship, previous en­gagements or marriages and how terminated and with what feelings, and any other relevant matters. By hearing how each client views his partner's family and other history as well as his own it is possible to gain a two-dimensional appreciation of the background "conditioning" of each of them, as we have seen in the case of John and Mary at the beginning of this book.

f. The counselor's assessment at the end of each interview, and an evaluation of the apparent development of the clients' insight and the matters which seem to be still in need of discussion, form a good progress report, and a help in the re-establishment of rapport in the next interview. Such records also give a valuable unfolding picture of the progress of the counselings, from which the counselor can learn much about his own counseling attitudes.

g. Final outcome, and (if possible) follow-up. This is mainly an assessment of the counselor's general impressions after the apparently final interview, and it gives him and any supervisor a good opportunity to sum up his conduct of the whole case. Some agencies write to their clients at intervals to ask them how their marriage has worked out, and any such information which can be obtained is valuable. It is not certain whether such communications are favored by clients in all cases, but with some such plan of follow-up inquiries adopted by any agency it is possible to prepare for it during the coun­seling by asking clients whether they would like such a regular communication. In most cases it would be welcomed when put that way,  and in fact many happy  clients  write sponta­neously to their counselor, sometimes at Christmas, telling of their happiness and harmony and any other homely matters that occur to them. But such communications do not constitute a reliable sample for research purposes because the unsatisfac­tory cases are not likely to write in this way.

Another use for such comprehensive records is in cases when after one or two interviews the clients fail to come again. It is of some value to know the reason for this as far as possible, and some ideas may well be gained from the record and from the counselor's recollection of the kind and degree of rapport. In some cases the client or clients come to investigate the possibilities of getting emotional support or of getting the counselor to judge the situation or condemn the partner. When these and other unfulfillable aims are in clients' minds they may be so disappointed that they will not return, and the counselor has not time to win their confidence in such a way as to be able to define the normal aims of counseling.

In other cases partners may have found enough insights from the first interview to feel able to work out their relation­ship for themselves, even though the counselor may not have felt that the situation had advanced to any extent. This has occasionally been communicated to the counselor on a sub­sequent occasion, and he finds that he has achieved more than he knew.

When any client terminates the counseling in this way with­out any explanation it is a good thing for the counselor to review his conduct of the interview or interviews, and to recall his own feelings as he faced the client. Many such terminations arise from a feeling of rejection of some kind in the client, which he is unable to express except by staying away. In some such cases he will go to another counselor, and these feelings may then be expressed to the new counselor.

Finally a comprehensive record is of the greatest value in the necessary supervision of the work of less experienced counselors as part of their "in-service" training, and for their accreditation when that is required. It is also of value for case conferences through which again the whole work of counseling is greatly developed and improved, to the benefit of all future clients.

4. THE BACKGROUND AND THE FEELINGS OF THE PARTNER SEEKING COUNSELING

Here is Molly Jones, sitting in the waiting room, awaiting the signal to go in and meet the counselor for the first time. What might she be thinking about as she sits, possibly with mixed feelings as she faces what may be to her a painful ordeal?

There may be many memories intertwining with one an­other in her mind. The marriage itself, it seemed so right then, but how different now! "Was I too impulsive, carried away by the desire to be married, or proud of being wanted by an attractive man? Should I have seen through him then as I do now? Could I have realized how interfering his mother would be, and how much under her thumb he was?"

She may be going over the many disagreements and con­flicts, the cruel remarks and misunderstandings, the physical cruelty alternating with indifference and neglect, the intoler­able crudeness and disgusting nauseating alcoholic behavior, the slow death of her love in the face of repeated unwarranted hostility and the growth of distrust and hatred in its place.

There may be memories too of some well-meaning attempts by relatives to find a solution to the conflicts, and the sequences of hope and despair as the old habits reasserted themselves so soon. The most hopeful of all were the courageous efforts she and Jack had made to let bygones be bygones and start again on a better footing, how they each felt that they understood the other better and that they loved each other in spite of having "got off on the wrong foot," and how utterly despair­ing she felt when the same old "techniques" came up within a couple of weeks of their "reconciliation."

She may be recalling her visit to her solicitor, and the awful difficulty of  deciding whether to  "take  the  plunge"  and leave Jack—and what about the two children if she did? They'd miss their Daddy, and he would probably insist on regular access to them, and that would only make them un­settled and upset. Then there was the visit to her minister who had no realization that things were so bad, but Jack would have nothing to do with him. And then his suggestion to look for help from the marriage counselor and her inability to believe that the counselor could do anything in such a diffi­cult situation, especially as Jack still said he wouldn't have anything to do with any third party.

So here she is, with all her diffidence and anxiety about com­ing, with some worries about the possibility of disloyalty in telling a complete stranger about Jack, and about the possible repercussions that might come of it. Yet there is an aching desire for someone to be able to straighten out her bewilder­ment, and to stop her from thinking round and round in circles. Will the counselor understand, and what will he try to do about the hopeless looking situation? Can he get hold of Jack and do anything to make him see reason? How can she tell him so that she will not make a fool of herself by breaking down? What does he want to know? Will he take Jack's part because men so often think alike and stand up for one another.

There may be many other and possibly quite different thoughts and feelings, such as the desire to get out of the intolerable marital situation at any cost, there may be deep attraction and desire for someone else whom she can't get out of her thoughts, or she may have already left and got a job, and become adjusted to her "independence" and yet still have doubts about the welfare of the children.

In almost every case, however, one can assume that there will be deeply hurt pride, righteous indignation at the be­havior of Jack and probably his parents too, bewilderment, disillusionment and cynicism, anxiety and despair, feelings of failure and guilt, and often aversion and indifference or burn­ing hatred.

It is well for the counselor to allow for such feelings behind the apparent calmness of the person we have called Molly, as she comes with some curiosity into the counseling room, sits down, and collects her thoughts so that she can begin her story.

When a husband happens to come first, his memories and feelings may well be somewhat similar to those already men­tioned, but in general it may be said that men are more re­luctant and diffident about discussing their private marital affairs with any third party, except possibly a close personal friend. In many cases a husband will not make the initial ap­proach unless he is rather desperate, or unless his wife has actually left him. He may feel confident even then that she will come back of her own accord before long when she has recovered from the emotional tension. But when the weeks go by and there is no sign of her return, or when she still assures him that she will not return, he may then become will­ing to sink his "pride" and come for help. He will often say then "I'll do anything to get her back, I didn't realize things were as bad as that, or that she felt as bad as that."

When the husband and wife make the initial appointment and come together it suggests a mutual willingness to look for a way through their difficulties. Many couples who have the same mutual willingness will come separately because they know that this is how marriage counselors generally begin with any marital problem, and they feel better able to discuss their troubles at first without each other's presence.

In such "joint" appointments there may be less intense feel­ing between them, and a short interview with them together will disclose any evidence of intense emotional conflict. The counselor might then suggest that it might be found easier if one or other waited outside for a time. If they are ready to comply with this and are in any doubt about which one should have first interview, the counselor might suggest that the part­ner who seems to have most reserved feelings or to have least to say would be the appropriate one for the first interview. If one of them finds it more difficult to arrange suitable times for appointments, that one would generally be the right one with whom to begin.

In all of this preliminary discussion the counselor is begin­ning to establish an accepting permissive relationship with the partners, which will do much to help them to feel free to un­burden their feelings without undue reserve or inhibition. If the counselor has used his own knowledge and experience to allow for the many and mixed feelings and memories behind those who come for help it will make him more sensitive to any cautious beginnings of unburdening that either of them may offer him. This will encourage them to go on with con­fidence.

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