3. The Marriage Counselor

I. WHAT KINDS OF PEOPLE MIGHT BE INVOLVED IN MARRIAGE COUNSELING?

As marriage is a universal institution, and marital disorders of a severity requiring help are almost as widespread, it is inevitable that almost anybody might become involved in some kind of attempt to assist in the reconciliation of marital con­flicts. Many people will be emotionally involved as in-laws and other relatives; others may be less involved, such as good friends and neighbors, but still prone to take sides, to criticize or condemn, to advise, and in many cases to interfere on their own initiative. Even if some of these people have a so-called good practical knowledge of marriage, from their own direct or indirect experience, they still have had no adequate train­ing in marriage counseling, and as we have seen their most sincere and devoted efforts are not likely to be of much perma­nent benefit. But they may have a valuable part in the recon­ciliation if they can be content to exert some influence towards the obtaining of more competent help.

Apart from these interested parties, what kinds of people might be or become involved in marriage counseling? If we survey the field in various countries the people who may find themselves in the role of counselor or conciliator in either an informal or a formal way may be divided into several groups for the purpose of discussion.

a. People with some training and experience in dealing with other people in a personal way, but with little or no specific training in counseling or in the principles of personal or marital relationships. Under this group heading we can include many ministers, doctors, teachers, lawyers, probation officers, magis­trates, sociologists, welfare officers, personnel officers, military, naval and air force officers, youth leaders, and many others in positions of leadership. These people may often be brought into contact with marital disorders in the course of their daily work, especially if they are interested in people and sensitive to signs of anxiety and other kinds of emotional tension. A large amount of quiet, unobtrusive help is being given by such people in many cases of marital trouble, and it is probable that such help is often enough to prevent some early and less serious difficulties from further deterioration. It is hoped that some of the insights expressed in this book may possibly help such relatively untrained helpers to develop more and more adequate ways of serving those who come into their orbit.

b.         People who are professionally trained in interviewing, and possibly in counseling and even psychotherapy, but who have had little specific training in marriage counseling. This group includes psychiatrists, psychologists,  social workers, (especially  psychiatric  social  workers),   and  ministers  and sociologists with special training in counseling. From their training and experience such people are sometimes more likely to see the marital disorders which come their way from the point of view of the intra-personal difficulties of each part­ner than from that of the inter-personal relationship, which is the primary, though not the exclusive concern of the mar­riage counselor as such. When they have become oriented to the  "inter-personal relationship" point of view,  and  have equipped themselves with adequate knowledge of the principies and inner dynamics of the marriage relationship, they are then able to be of very great help indeed in marital problems, as consultants as well as counselors.

c. People who are professionally trained in interviewing and counseling as well as in their own professional activities, and have added to this an adequate special training in the principles and inner dynamics of marriage and family life. Such people may be well equipped to provide a professional marriage coun­seling service of high quality. This is the goal toward which the American Association of Marriage Counselors is moving, and the membership of that association, for which stringent conditions are necessarily imposed, is made up of members of several professions who have undertaken special training and secured considerable experience in the whole marital field. In 1957 ll was made up of social workers, 20%; doctors, 19% (gynecologists 8%, gen­eral medicine 6%, and psychiatrists 5%); educators, 16%; ministers, 15%; psychologists, 14%; sociologists, 12%; and lawyers, 4%. ("Marriage Counseling: A Case Book" Associa­tion Press, New York, 1958, page 485.)

These professional people, and others who are similarly trained but are not members of the Association, carry out their work either as members of a marriage counseling or social welfare agency, an educational or psychiatric foundation or clinic, or a religious organization; or individually as private practitioners. There are some first class training centers in the United States, whose graduates are gradually spreading across the country. There are also opportunities for some professional training in Great Britain and in other countries.

d. People without any particular professional background or training, who have been very carefully selected from the point of view of their personal integrity and intelligence, their emotional maturity and balance, and their ability to undertake and make use of special training. Such people have been re­cruited to an increasing extent in Great Britain and more recently in Australia and New Zealand from the point of view of ability to give their voluntary part time services to mar­riage counseling when trained and "accredited," through marriage counseling agencies and under supervision. For various reasons the selection is limited to those who are or have been happily married and not divorced or separated, and very careful assessment is continuously carried on throughout their training regarding their fitness for the work. At the end of their training course, which is full and comprehensive, they are assessed again and if satisfactory are "accredited" as "pro­visional counselors" or "associate counselors." They are then given a further period of "in-service training," after which, if satisfactory to the assessors, they are accredited as marriage counselors on the staff of the particular marriage counseling agency or one related with it.

This "lay" approach to marriage counseling, which is not found to any extent in America, has gradually emerged in response to increasingly urgent needs and a much greater shortage of professionally trained people than existed in Amer­ica. Even if all the available professionally trained people could have been diverted to marriage counseling, which of course was impossible, this would still have failed to meet the needs of the situation or to come within the financial re­sources of the countries. "A new resource," as Professor David Mace described it in England, had to be mobilized, trained, and put to work. With their genius for voluntary social services the people of Great Britain were pioneers in this great social project, and from 1942 onward it has developed and extended in a manner that has more than fulfilled the most optimistic hopes of its imitators and overcome the doubts of the skeptics. It has also received unqualified commendation from the British Royal Commission on Marriage and Divorce, 1951-3 (London, H.M.S.O., 1956).

It is essential, however, to emphasize the conditions which are found to be necessary for such a service to be successfully carried out. Careful and continuous "selection" and screening, full and comprehensive training, followed by "in-service" training, expert and comprehensive assessment of suitability, the fullest safeguards of team work under the competent supervision of professionally trained and experienced "case supervisors," and the full backing of a carefully selected panel of professional "consultants" to whom clients in need of any special help can be referred and with whom the counselors can consult in any case of difficulty.

It seems certain that this approach to marriage counseling as a voluntary part-time social service will continue and ex­pand in countries in which it has been operating. The lack of sufficient available professional resources, and the cost of such resources even if they were available, would seem to make this inevitable. But more important still is the fact that this approach has abundantly proved its success wherever it has been carried out under the already mentioned safeguards. It seems clear that the greater the extension of this work the more efficient and available the professional supervision and the consultant's panels will need to be.

e. Consultants. These are professionally trained people of special competence in an appropriate field related to marriage, who are willing to see clients referred to them, generally at their own professional rooms or offices, as a private profes­sional service under a mutually acceptable financial arrange­ment. Included among them are those who are especially competent in the counseling and psychotherapeutic fields, such as psychiatrists, psychologists, and some pastors and social work­ers. There will be others who may have little or no training or experience in the psychological areas, but are expert in some limited field, such as gynecology, urology, medicine, pediatrics, social casework, law, ethics, religion, vocational guidance or child guidance.

It seems desirable, and it often happens, that these people should have some continuous contact with the marriage coun­seling agency with which they work, and some acquaintance with the principles and goals of its work. This is helped by regular opportunities for mutual discussion between all who are taking part in the expanded "team work."

As we consider the number and variety of people who may have an essential part in this many sided work of mar­riage counseling it seems clear that it is not a specialized branch of any profession or calling, but rather a specialized branch of counseling: an attitude and method of helping troubled people that is being more and more widely used by all the professions and by a steadily increasing number of trained laymen.

2.  THE SPECIAL ASSETS AND PROBLEMS OF MINISTERS IN MARRIAGE COUNSELING

Whatever may be thought by the minister or anyone else about his fitness or otherwise for marriage counseling, in actual fact he is generally quite unable to escape some responsibility for it, because people will come to him for help in their marital troubles, and because ministers are found in many small towns and isolated places where trained marriage counselors are not easily available.

Apart from his geographical availability one of the greatest assets of the minister in marriage counseling is the fact that in his pastoral visiting and general pastoral care of his people he will often have a better opportunity than anyone, except possibly the family doctor, to discover and deal with many marital stresses and conflicts at an early stage, often long be­fore the partners would have taken the necessary initiative to seek proper help. In this way a minister can do a great deal of creative work in the healing of marital disorders before they grow to serious enough proportions to reach the mar­riage counselor. This is quiet and unobtrusive work, which could be still better if all ministers were given more training in marriage counseling as an essential part of their theological course.

Another asset of the minister is that in many cases he already has the confidence of both partners, especially if he has watched them grow up, and has prepared and married them, and as long as he has shown himself to be a man of discretion and understanding who is not prone to gossip. He also has the privilege of calling on people on his own initiative.

In himself also the minister will generally have the spiritual awareness and sense of vocation which are valuable in any such "helping" activity, and which give power to his pastoral attitude and skill. He may also have behind him a strong and warm Christian Church fellowship, from which reunited couples may draw much further strength, and to which they may give grateful creative service, and deepen their own union in so doing.

Professionally the minister has an important asset for mar­riage counseling by virtue of the conviction that economic, sexual, personal, parental and social adjustments between mar­riage partners can only be adequately achieved when they are woven into a relationship which is basically spiritual, whether they realize it clearly or not. As long as this is offered in un­derstandable terms to partners and not obscured behind words which may not have meaning to them, the minister can offer the central factor in all personal relationships to counselors with whom he comes into contact, as well as to his parishioners.

Alongside these and similar assets of theminister there aresome special problems implicit in his position. One of these is time. He has a special responsibility to the whole body of people committed to his care, and specific duties which need careful and time consuming preparation apart from the hours involved in their performance. He has the difficult task of al­lotting his all too little available time between many conflicting claims on it. The same applies to his energies. This would seem to be something worthy of considerable discussion by groups of ministers, so that their whole scale of vocational priorities can be reviewed in the light of present day needs andde­mands. Many ministers agree that it is impossible to give more than about twelve hours per week to counseling in general without detriment to their total work.

Another special vocational problem of the minister in mar­riage—(and also in individual) counseling is found in his relationship with people apart from the counseling. This may have several consequences. In the first place however genuine his "unshockability" may be, clients may not feel free to dis­cuss some elements of their difficulties as well with him as with a "secular" counselor. Even if they do manage to talk out many deeper feelings they may then come to feel some difficulty and possible embarrassment when they have to face him later in the pastoral relationship. The secular coun­selor is free from this difficulty in that his clients do not have to face him again unless by their own desire. However much the minister accepts what he is told in non-judgmental fash­ion, people will still cast him all too often into the role of judge, and that may hinder his approach to the deeper ele­ments of the counseling.

Apart from the role into which other people may cast the minister he has a few conflicting roles of his own to sort out. One of these conflicts is between the essential moralism of his preaching and his personal example and convictions, and on the ©tfter hand the necessary permissiveness of counseling relationships. A possible clue to the way through such a con­flict is in the example of Jesus, who represented and pro­claimed the "straight and narrow way" but at the same time could be permissive enough to invite Himself to dine with Zaccheus, to eat with "publicans and sinners," and to refrain from condemnation of a woman "in adultery." Permis­siveness has to be seen as distinct from condoning, and it has been found quite possible to reconcile this apparent incon­sistency by very many ministers in their pastoral care of their people and any who may seek their help.

Another of these conflicts is between the minister's training and his popularly accepted role as someone who talks on all kinds of subjects and on all kinds of occasions on the one hand, and his counseling role as listener on the other. It is difficult for many ministers, and indeed for many other professional people, to switch from talking to listening, but it has to be done if the counseling is to succeed.

Perhaps the most difficult of all problems for the minister, reverting to the question of time and energy, is that the more successful he is in any counseling work the more demands will be made on his time and energy and the more trouble he will have in allotting it. It is generally harder for the minister to- decline an invitation or application for help from someone in deep distress than it is for members of most other professions, but if the minister is to keep his spiritual vitality and his effi­ciency as well as to do justice to his domestic responsibilities, he has to learn to delegate what can be delegated to other people, and to allot his time and energy wisely with the courage of his own convictions. In some cases he may need counseling himself in order to come adequately to grips with this problem through the disentangling of his own inner feelings and conflicts.

It is becoming more widely realized that the minister's train­ing should include some adequate opportunities for submis­sion of himself for counseling as well as the practical and the theological elements which are now generally accepted as essential. When this is done there will be a great enrichment of the whole personal influence of ministers in any community, and particularly in the fields of marriage counseling and gen­eral pastoral counseling.

3.  THE SPECIAL ASSETS AND PROBLEMS OF DOCTORS IN MARRIAGE COUNSELING

By setting themselves up in private practice or accepting salaried positions in institutions and public services, doctors undertake to help those who come under their care in gen­eral or limited fields to the extent of at least reasonable com­petence. Apart from their actual medical responsibilities they are expected as educated, trained and respected citizens to exert a positive influence in the community.

Whatever their ideas about marriage counseling it is as true of doctors as of ministers that they cannot avoid contact with marital disorders, or the social and professional obligation to do what they can to help in their resolution.

Many marital disorders come direct to a doctor in the first place, because the partners find him most easily accessible, and regard him as the most logical person from whom to seek advice and help. It may be a direct marital squabble which is distressing one or both to the point at which they feel the need of medical help, or even someone to talk to about it. It may go further, and one partner who has been attacked may come or be brought to a doctor for attention, or for the recording of cuts and bruises for possible litigation later. It may be that one or both partners are seeking help and advice with regard to some kind of sexual dissatisfaction or difficulty, or some apparent abnormality. A special example of this is when a wife returns home after giving birth to her first or a subsequent baby and finds herself indifferent to the sexual re­lationship with her husband, who has patiently waited through the final months of her pregnancy for it.

Other direct points of medical contact with marital dis­orders may be for such questions as family planning, especially at the time of marriage and after the first or a subsequent child, and in some cases there are differences and conflicts about this. Or there may be direct quarrels about the management of chil­dren and the doctor may be appealed to as an "umpire." Or again there may be deep and growing suspicions by one partner about the fidelity of the other, and the doctor may be appealed to either for help in standing up to such threats, or for moral support when there seems nobody else to talk to.

There are also many indirect ways in which a doctor may come into contact with a marital conflict. Especially if the doctor is young and not well established people will often hesitate about telling him directly of their marital troubles, but may come ostensibly for help with some apparently unre­lated symptom which arises from the marital disorder. For example the complaint may be of tiredness, nervousness, lack of sleep, restlessness, and the desire for a tonic, or some such nervous symptom. Or it may show itself as a "psychosomatic disorder," such as indigestion, colitis, asthma, migraine, or certain kinds of dermatitis. In women there may be some gynecological symptom.

In more severe or prolonged cases the presenting problem may be some neurotic or even apparently psychotic mani­festation, which may even reach the point of attempted suicide, either from despair or as an attempt to "punish" the partner. Of course marital disorder is not one of the funda­mental causative factors of such mental illness, but it may well prove to be an influential precipitating factor, or may greatly intensify such troubles or hinder their recovery. As such it comes right into the field of medical practice.

A still less direct, but very important method of medical contact with marital disorder, may come through a third per­son, particularly through some trouble affecting one or more of the children. Poor health in a child without any obvious reason may open up inquiries by the doctor about the domestic atmosphere, particularly if the child is becoming increasingly nervous or "difficult." The situation between the parents may be revealed on the other hand when a child or adolescent shows some consequence of parental neglect or mismanagement, such as when a teen-age girl is brought to the doctor for a pre­marital pregnancy, or a boy finds himself with prospective paternal responsibilities without benefit of marriage. Or a teen­age boy or girl may have been the cause of a serious or fatal accident because of some careless and irresponsible escapade. There are all kinds of different ways in which the doctor may come into contact with marital disorder if he is awake to the possibility and ready to look into underlying causes.

It still happens all too frequently that a doctor faced with one or more of the symptoms or indirect consequences of mari­tal disorder tends to leave the underlying causes untouched and to tell his patient that the trouble is with his "nerves" or that he "can't find anything physically wrong." Such a state­ment should be the beginning of positive investigation and therapy and not the end of it, and many opportunities of help­ing married people in troubles at a stage at which they are quite open to help are missed. With more general awareness of the influence of marital disorders on physical and emotional troubles, and more realization of the "curability" of many such marital disorders, this medical responsibility will be more often and more worthily fulfilled.

At this point it might be stated that there are many indications that a reasonable training in marriage counseling will not only improve the doctor's handling of marital disorders, but will make a very great difference to the whole of his handling of people, in whatever department of medicine his work and interest may lie.

Apart from his frequent contact with marital disorders the doctor has many valuable assets for marriage counseling. His education and training give him the capacity for looking behind symptoms to underlying causes, and for intelligent and reasoned assessment of the complex elements of problems. He gains experience with all kinds of people in situations through which he can see below the surface and understand many of their deeper feelings and motives. He knows their best and their worst qualities, and they feel better because he accepts them in spite of their less respectable selves.

People also know that the doctor will treat their revelations in the strictest confidence, and that helps them to come and to be open with him. They also feel freer to talk to him about matters which tend to be "taboo" in other conversation, such as the intimate sexual feelings and experiences; and they also know that he is equipped with resources by which they can gain some temporary relief from their distress and anxiety.

In addition they have confidence in his wisdom and judg­ment, and often an exaggerated confidence in the extent to which his statements and directions will be accepted and fol­lowed by others. They often appear to expect him to "con­vince" the marital partner of the enormity of what he is doing, as if the doctor were a super judge, but that does not seriously diminish his assets for counseling.

Yet another professional asset of the doctor is in the fact that people can seek his help without the same kind of ad­mission of marital failure as would be involved in their going to a marriage counselor. When they feel hesitant to make any such open admission this may well be a crucial factor in the decision to seek help.

Finally it may be said that in many cases the doctor is honored by admission to the inner circle of his friendship and trust by many of his patients, and even if his help is not needed by them for marital trouble their warm recommen­dation and urgings will induce their friends who may be in trouble to go confidently for help to him.

Alongside these valuable assets the doctor has many prob­lems in marriage counseling which are not always easy to overcome. The first of these is time. If he is a good doctor it is likely that there will be many demands on his available time and energy, and he will see the long and recurring interviews with people in marital trouble as beyond his power from that point of view. Unless he sets out as a professional service to do such work he will generally feel compelled to refer any but the simplest of such cases to a marriage counselor. But there is still much that he can do without undue expenditure of time. It has been found by many doctors that a good train­ing in marriage and family counseling has enabled them to use their normally available time with patients much more effec­tively, and that they can help many people in the earlier stages of marital disorder greatly without overspending their tame and energy.

Another problem which may hinder the doctor from effec­tiveness in marriage counseling is his professional orientation. The surgeon, for example, or the specialist in some limited field, may feel that he has quite enough on his mind in dealing adequately with the physical condition of his patient and keep­ing up with the details of his chosen field. He may feel unable to devote time or energy to any marital difficulties which may underlie or be associated with the trouble. He will generally be glad to hand over this part of the situation to someone else.

The gynecologist may deal with marital problems mainly if not entirely from the limited area surrounding any structural or functional disorders in the reproductive organs of women, and as an interested doctor he may allow himself to be drawn to some extent into the associated emotional conflicts for the purpose of helping in their resolution. But his special abilities in the more limited field are of most value in the role of consultant, where he may give invaluable service to troubled women, particularly in matters concerning apparent infertility.

The pediatrician may sometimes be drawn into marital dis­orders through his work with sick children, but here again, unless he has a special interest and sense of vocation for helping to deal with the disordered relationship between the partners, he will be glad to hand that aspect of the problem over to someone else.

The physician who takes the trouble to assess the deeper factors behind many so-called "stress diseases" which come under his care will inevitably be drawn into many marital dis­orders, which are often playing such an influential part in the trouble that no great relief will come until the marital situation has been relieved to some appreciable extent. Many physicians have an interest and considerable aptitude in dealing with the emotional factors behind the symptoms and signs of people, and do a lot of effective marriage counseling in the course of their work.

Psychiatrists are probably doing more marriage counseling than any other kind of medical specialist, because many of the troubled people who come to them for help either have marital troubles as one of the causative factors or else develop them as a consequence of their illness. As we have seen, the psychiatrist's main field of work is in the intra-personality field, but he is in no sense limited to that. With the development of psychiatry its scope is constantly being widened and matters concerning human relationships are inseparable from any psychiatrist's work.

There are two possible difficulties implicit in the psychia­trist's professional role as it affects marriage counseling, apart from the inevitable problem of time. One is that people in marital difficulty are often hesitant to seek help directly from a psychiatrist because they regard his main function as con­cerned with the abnormal, or with the mentally ill. He is thereby denied many opportunities of helping people in marital disorder at an early stage when they are more easily and quickly relieved. The cost of a long series of counseling sessions from a psychiatrist sometimes constitutes a decisive factor in making people try to do without his help in the hope that things will somehow improve. In many cases the psychiatrist will come into contact with marital disorder through referral by a family doctor.

Another difficulty implicit in the professional orientation of the psychiatrist as it affects marriage counseling is that his work and his thinking are mainly in the intra-personal field. This is especially true of the psychoanalysts, and those who work mainly in psychotherapy with individual patients often find it necessary to reorient themselves considerably when faced with a problem which is mainly (though not generally exclusively) in the relationship field. Freudian analysts insist that a separate therapist should deal with each partner in any situation in which they both seek help, while marriage coun­selors take the view that they can help much more when the same counselor deals with both partners. It may be that the growing practice of "group psychotherapy" will lead to some reconciliation of these two different points of view, and that the psychotherapists will move further into the relationship area than many of them have felt able to do as yet.

The psychiatrist is an absolutely necessary resource fox marriage counselors as a consultant, as is made clear in many parts of this book. With the inadequate numbers of available psychiatrists it may be that the most efficient use that can be made of them by the community in marriage disorders will be in the role of consultants.

The general practitioner is another member of the medical profession who comes into contact with very many cases of marital disorder. Either he or the minister is generally the ifirst person, after the relatives, to be consulted. Many general practitioners do a large amount of effective counseling in mar­riage disorders and in all kinds of other situations, and develop considerable practical skill and experience in doing it. But the main problems here are again those of time and of difficulties in keeping up sufficient study in the extraordinarily diverse ^requirements of his professional role. Unfortunately the train­ing of most doctors does not include any real teaching or practice in matters concerning the marital relationship or in counseling in most medical schools, and even with all the diffi­culties of an overfull curriculum it would seem that the time is ripe for this to be carefully reconsidered.

4.   THE SPECIAL ASSETS AND PROBLEMS OF MEMBERS OF OTHER PROFESSIONS

Social workers, and particularly psychiatric social workers, have a training and experience which can be of the greatest value in marriage counseling. Their awareness of the inner dynamics of personal attitude and behavior, their training in case work, and their experience with people in all kinds of "stress situations" constitute a basic foundation for marriage counseling which is probably as strong as that of any profes­sion. When they build on to this foundation a specific study and training in matters concerning the marital relationship and its disorders they are probably better equipped in the all round competence for marriage counseling than any other profession.

But their main problems, as with other professions, are con­cerned with the allotment of time and energy, and with the professional orientation which is predominantly focussed on the social environmental aspects of distress, though not by any means excluding the relational aspects or even the intra-personal. As members of the staff of many social agencies and psychiatric clinics, social workers are doing some very effec­tive service in marriage and family counseling, and they will tend to do more and more as the needs become more accepted in the public mind. They can offer quite distinctive assistance in the team work of any marriage counseling agency, and their expert knowledge of the social aspects of marital disorder is of great help in the training of marriage counselors as well as in the actual professional work of counseling.

Clinical psychologists also have many assets which are of great use in marriage counseling, particularly their experience in assessing personality characteristics by objective testing and their understanding of the inner dynamics of personal atti­tude and behavior. In countries where marriage counseling is predominantly carried on by university graduates there is always a large percentage of trained psychologists in the field, who have supplemented their professional training with some special training and experience in marriage counseling and related concerns. As members of a counseling team and as consultants where their special competence is needed they form an indispensable part of the whole undertaking.

Lawyers cannot escape contact with many marital disorders, and their attitude seems to vary from that of doing everything possible to open the dispute to counseling to that of simply giving advice and being willing to act for the person who may wish to seek the dissolution of a marriage. Their vocational aptitude and training give them many valuable assets for counseling; clear orderly minds, ability to think into situations and to sift the significant from the inapplicable, and the knowl­edge of the law as it affects the various questions that may arise. But the lawyer cannot generally afford the time necessary for any serious counseling, nor has he the training in the actual work of counseling. He is an adviser and clarifier rather than a therapist. He is an indispensable resource for consultation to save distressed people from actions which may increase rather than diminish their difficulties, and sometimes to make it clear to a misbehaving partner that if he persists in his actions he can be challenged in court.

Probation officers are also brought into contact with many marital disorders in their work, and are doing much quiet work in helping people to work through marital difficulties. Their training would appear at present to be generally insuffi­cient for serious marriage counseling, but many of them develop a good practical competence in the course of their careers. They are responsible to the courts, and this may sometimes reduce their professional freedom in marriage coun­seling, and may possibly deter some couples from allowing them to know the inner elements of the marital trouble. But probation officers are valuable people to have available in many special cases, often cases of considerable difficulty.

Teachers also come into contact with marital disorders, mainly through such offenses by children as truancy, vandal­ism, and other behavior problems. Sometimes the beginning of the teacher's acquaintance with a marital disorder is when a child who has been doing well in class suddenly begins to do badly and to slip downward toward the bottom of the class. Where school term reports are the rule the parents will often seek some explanation of the change, and the teacher may be able to help them to realize the connection between emotional strain and poor school work. While teachers are professionally oriented mainly in the direction of education rather than therapy, there is a welcome movement in educational circles toward the concern about the emotional aspects of learning and growth. The teacher with a strong vocational sense and an interest in the total personality and the family backgrounds of his pupils can be of great help in such matters as marriage counseling.

It is likely, however, that there will be an even greater de­velopment and use of teachers in the future in the work of education and preparation for marriage than there has ever been in the past. This important work needs to be carried out wherever young people are, in small towns and villages as well as large cities, and the leadership in the future would seem to be in the combined hands of the doctor, the minister and the teacher, the three most suitable professional people for the work who can be found in the smallest villages as well as the large cities.

This consideration of the special assets and problems of the various professional workers seems to point to the conclusion that marriage counseling must be mainly in the hands of suit­able people who have undertaken special training for it and are able and willing to give the necessary time and concen­tration to it. But there is a first-class field of service for other people as we have seen, who can help people in marital trouble as part of their own professional service, and in many cases can be used as consultants in their own special fields.

This consideration leads inevitably to the more detailed sur­vey of the necessary personal qualities in the counselor as affecting the work of marriage counseling. This question will now be discussed.

5.  THE PERSONALITY AND THE ATTITUDES OF THE MARRIAGE COUNSELOR

We have discussed the different "kinds" of people who might be involved in marriage counseling, and mentioned some of the personal and professional qualities that are gen­erally required for the work. It is the universal experience that the quality of the counselor's own personality is the most influential factor in any form of genuine counseling, and it is therefore of some value to consider and to try to formulate the most desirable qualities of personality and the most helpful attitudes of the counselor in counseling.

We may remind ourselves at the beginning that interviewing and counseling are, or should be, reciprocal relationships be­tween two people "for the benefit of one." Counselor and client will each have their share of the universal endowment of con­scious and repressed feelings; of prejudices, vulnerabilities, uncritical assumptions about life and about people, habitual attitudes and emotional needs. Any of these may be stirred up in the emotional interaction inseparable from counseling. Unless the counselor has some awareness of his own inner qualities and vulnerabilities and a reasonable control of them, his own emotional reactions may well intrude into the coun­seling relationship to such an extent and intensity as to ruin the counseling.

Many people are attracted to counseling for quite unworthy reasons, of which they are mostly unaware. In some cases they have a deep need to assert themselves, to control other people's lives and destinies, and in this and other ways to satisfy a "will to power," as Adler called it. Others may be anxious about prestige and status more than they realize, and not really open to the needs of others. Others again are over-curious, and seem to gain some kind of satisfaction in hearing about the intimate details of people's private lives. Others again have deep suppressed hostilities which all too easily be­come projected onto a "helpless" client who unwittingly touches a vulnerable part of the counselor's personality. Others again are seeking flattery and adulation, and tend to be over-ingratiating in the counseling, and some are openly seductive, with a deep need to induce clients to "fall" for them. It is obvious that any such qualities will do much more harm than good to the whole project of counseling, and may induce an inept counselor to reverse the whole aim of the counseling and use the client for the counselor's benefit or satisfaction.

These and similar underlying distortions of personality are not generally realized by those in whom they exist, and who may well offer themselves for the work of counseling. Fortu­nately such qualities can often become obvious to a competent counselor or psychiatrist in an introductory interview or series of interviews, or to many other people when they have fairly close contact with the person in a discussion group or week-end conference in which they live together. Such methods are therefore generally adopted as part of a good "selection" pro­cedure. A good description of the present selection procedure in Great Britain for prospective counseling trainees is given by J. H. Wallis in "Marriage Counseling," by J. H. Wallis and H. S. Booker (Routledge and Kegan Paul, London, 1958) pages 45-56, and an account of their training is given in the same book, pages 57-73.

Among the many personal qualities that are generally sought in the initial selection of prospective marriage counselors are the following:

1. Honesty, integrity of character, trustworthiness and abil­ity to hold communications in strict confidence.
2. An open mind and a liberal and tolerant outlook, free from restrictive prejudice and not prone to take sides in per­sonal conflicts.
   
3. Emotional and personal balance and poise, with flexi­bility in attitude and practice; awareness of own limitations as well as abilities and powers.
   
4. Clear insight and capacity for reasoned analysis; and ability to visualize the importance of deeper elements in per­sonal and social problems.
   
5. Ability to discuss intimate and emotionally charged matters without embarrassment.
   
6. Acceptance of and loyalty to the aims of the Marriage Guidance or Counseling organization.
   
7. Deep and genuine warmth and "non-exploitative" interest in people, without personal involvement or "vested interest" in results of counseling. Readiness to go with partners even through break-up of their marriage if they decide to do so.
   
8. Capacity to be a good listener, easy to talk to when one is in trouble, and able to inspire and win the confidence of all kinds of people of both sexes and different ages.
   
9. Genuine patience, not too impulsive with the offering of "solutions," or eager to give answers or reassurances, and yet able to offer constructive help as well as understanding.
10. Persistence with which to see a difficult case through.
11. Permissiveness and non-judgmental objectivity, with­ out disguising personal standards and values or seeking to impose them on others.
12. Reasonable freedom from unsolved personal and mar­ ital problems, and reasonable awareness of emotional needs.

It is clear that in any preliminary selection these qualities of personal character and relationship must be regarded more as guides than as absolute standards, or there would probably be very few candidates for training as counselors. Many ofthese qualities are found to be developed to a considerable extent in any good course of training, and they are further stimulated in the actual work of counseling. No matter how many of these qualities any counselor may have, he will always find room for further growth and development.

Beyond these personal qualities there are many "vocational" and "technical" abilities which are mainly achieved in the training courses and further developed throughout all active counseling work, through contact with people in need of help, experience of actual counseling, and through team work, professional supervision, consultations, and case discussions over the years of service.

The good counselor then will have a genuine readiness to look at each problem that comes to him through each partner's eyes, not to judge or to give advice or superficial reassurance, but to go with each of them right down into the agonizing bewildering situation and into their background ideas, attitudes and emotional needs. Then he will patiently support them while they are relating these to the realities of their marital relationship and making the necessary modifications in ap­plication of their new insights and their liberated feelings.

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